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The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

The Miami Dolphins just recently lost their big-time free-agent acquisition, tight end Dustin Keller, to a horrific injury that tore the ACL, PCL, and MCL in his left knee.

It's just the latest in many horrific blows that have nut-punched this team for more than a decade.

Some would say the team is cursed. Snake-bitten, even.

Or maybe it's just that when The Suck rains, it pours.

See also: Don Shula Trolls Obama at White House Gathering

Either way, the Keller injury is just one in a long line of terrible things that have happened to this team without relenting.

Here are the 17 worst things to happen to the Dolphins since 1999:

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

17. The New Logo It's the most arbitrary thing this franchise has ever done (and this includes having Cleo Lemon as a starter at one point!). It completely wiped out a perfectly fine traditional logo and color scheme for a new "streamlined" logo and color scheme that literally NO ONE was clamoring for. In one fell swoop, the team went from a badass orange, teal, and white that harked back to the glory days of the '70s and '80s to a high school team that's trying to look like the Jacksonville Jaguars. And the logo went from a cool retro angry porpoise to something that looks like what a staffer at Sea World would wear on a polo.

16. The Day Pat White Almost Died Supergenius Hall of Famer Bill Parcells spent a second-round pick on White, and his supergenius general manager, Jeff Ireland, said he would compete for the starting job the day after he was drafted. And then he played football and was nearly decapitated by Ike Taylor.

15. Dave Wannstedt Was Actually Head Coach of This Team Once! He really was!

No.

REALLY.

 

14. Chad Pennington Was Almost the Guy, if Not for All Those Damned Injuries Chad Pennington led the Dolphins to the division title in 2008 and had everything you want in your franchise quarterback, except for a penchant to get injured from the slightest hit. Pennington was insanely accurate, commanded the offense with authority, and brought the star quality and talent we hadn't seen since Dan Marino. He was perfect. Except for the whole shoulder-ligaments-having-the-same-density-as-peanut-brittle thing.

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

13. Brandon Marshall Was a Crazy Person While Here Brandon Marshall obliterated offenses for Denver.

Brandon Marshall came to the Dolphins.

Brandon Marshall was a crazy person here.

The Dolphins let him go.

Brandon Marshall is now obliterating offenses for Chicago.

[sad trombone sound]

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

12. The Hiring of Bill Parcells Which led to...

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

11. The Hiring of Tony Sparano Which led to....

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

10. The Hiring of Jeff Ireland Which led to...

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

9. 7-9, 7-9, 6-10, and 7-9

 

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

8. The One-Win Season Look at that guy's face.

Just look at it.

7. The Quarterbacks That Shoulda Been An NFL team is nothing if it doesn't have a solid franchise quarterback. And those teams with superstar quarterbacks are in Super Bowl contention every year.

With that in mind, remember that the Dolphins passed on:

6. Drew Brees

5. Drew Brees again

4. Matt Ryan

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

3. Andrew Luck (They didn't pass on Luck, per se. But they went and won a bunch of meaningless games in 2011 that would have otherwise had them in position to draft him.)

 

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

2. Dan Marino's Retirement Ever since The Right Arm of God hung em up, the Dolphins have been on the express train to Suckville. They've gone through 17 starting quarterbacks (including Joey Harrington and Brian Griese, for shitsake!) and have generally been abysmal ever since the greatest Dolphin ever retired in 1999.

Is there a Marino Curse?

No. Because sucking this horribly is an art form, and calling it a "curse" would be an insult to the assholes who have worked so hard to make this team suck so hard for more than a decade.

And the number-one Bad Thing That Has Happened to the Dolphins:

 

The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins

1. The Miami Heat The old-guard Fins fan refuses to accept it. But this is a basketball town now.

Three NBA titles and having the greatest player of his generation on the roster wish to have a word with you if you still disagree.

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