The Dolphins Found a Team That Sucks More Than They Do

The Dolphins Found a Team That Sucks More Than They Do
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg

If only the Dolphins could play the Oakland Raiders every week.

But, alas.

The Dolphins took their sucktitude 4,445 miles across the Atlantic to London, England, where they brought vengeance and furious anger upon the Raiders in a 38-14 slapdown win, bringing their illustrious record to 2-2. It was just what the Dolphins needed after two weeks of losing and Joe Philbin driving a gasoline truck into a nitroglycerine plant with his noncommittal comments about Ryan Tannehill.

So, it's back to celebrating Victory Monday with super-terrific happy feelings heading into the bye week and knowing all is well again in Fins Nation.

But how big of a win was it?

Was this the victory that is going to turn 2014 around and rocket the Dolphins toward a playoff berth?

Is Philbin going to go from just another gangly doofus waiting to be fired to a Coach of the Year candidate?

Is Tannehill finally over his hump of struggles?

Probably no on both fronts. But let's take a gander at a few things we picked up on after Sunday's win anyway, shall we?

Tannehill Used His Athleticism and Toe Thumbs Ryan Tannehill came out guns blazing, pointing to his nuts, and silencing his critics by having one of his best games as a pro on Sunday. His kick--the-haterz-in-the-balls performance came in large part to his using his athletic skills to wreck Raider ass.

Tannehill has terrific speed, and it's strange how the Dolphins haven't utilized that part of his game more often. But on Sunday, they did, and he was able to keep the Oakland defense reeling by running for 35 yards in addition to going 23-for-31 for 278 yards and two touchdowns. Last week, it was revealed that Tannehill has toe thumbs. At first, we thought we might have stumbled upon the reason for his struggles. But now we're thinking, we've stumbled upon THE SECRET TO HIS SUCCESS.

What better way to grip a ball than with a big toe instead of a regular thumb? It's like the lamest X-Men power ever. But it works. Keep using them toe thumbs to vanquish our enemies, Ryan!

No, Joe Philbin Being a Complete Dolt Did Not "Motivate" Ryan Tannehill The talk all week is going to be how Tannehill silenced his critics, and that's all good and fine. But you can bet there's also going to be talk about how Joe Philbin causing needless distraction last week "lit a fire" under Tannehill, which is completely stupid. Tannehill had a fantastic game because the Raiders are ass. Pure and simple.

That's not to take away anything from his performance. Tannehill threw darts, made smart decisions, and showed some sack after so many of us questioned if he even had one.

But this was all in spite of the shitbomb Philbin unleashed with his refusal to tell the media Tannehill was the starter for whatever reason. The Raiders' pass defense ranked 18th coming into Sunday's game, not to mention they had lost nine in row spanning back to last season.

The Raiders being a bag of dicks of a team is what got Tannehill and the Dolphins back on track. Not Philbin's supermagical psychological wizardry.

As Ever, the Pass Rush Is the Best Part of This Team Raiders QB Derek Carr came out and led Oakland on a 74-yard scoring drive to kick things off for his team. After that, the Dolphins decided no mas and brought the pain down onto the rookie. They might have even killed him, but we're not 100 percent sure about that.

What has been a monster of a pass rush this season continued its Death Star on Alderaan ways on Sunday, with Derrick Shelby feasting on Carr's face for two sacks and the rest of that front seven bringing an onslaught of badassery that resulted in three Raider interceptions and a fumble recovery.

As we've written about in recent weeks, the pass rush alone is worth watching Dolphins games. It's fun to watch large men wantonly give other large men massive brain injuries on our behalf!

Dolphins Are Gonna Need That Bye Week As things were winding down Sunday and everyone was dancing around like a Muppet because of the pending victory, the Dolphins quietly started to lose key starters to injuries. Offensive tackle Branden Albert went down with an injury, as did center Samson Satele. Safety Jimmy Wilson, who snagged an INT, also got nipped by the injury bug. This is already in addition to starting center Mike Pouncey being out, as well as safety Reshad Jones, linebacker Koa Misi, and running back Knowshon Moreno. Moreno is still out for a few more weeks, and we don't know the severity of Albert, Satele, or Wilson's injuries. But with the bye week coming, it'll give these dudes time to heal up and maybe even have the likes of Pouncey, Jones, and Misi back in time for the Packers in two weeks.

Dolphins Are Still a Dysfunctional Mess Nothing makes the pain go away quite like winning. But in the euphoria of Victory Monday, one must not lose sight of the fact that the Dolphins are still very much a dumpster fire.

Just before kickoff Sunday afternoon, CBS Sports came out with a report detailing the many dysfunctions going down inside the organization, including a rift between one-time allies Philbin and Dawn Aponte, as well as owner Stephen Ross very much having his eyes on another coach.

Players are expressing significant concerns with Philbin, and his coordinators, behind the scenes, sources said, and Aponte's hiring of longtime confidant and former Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum as a consultant has also added to the tension-filled climate, as Tannenbaum's primary job is as an agent representing coaches, including Seattle defensive coordinator Dan Quinn, who interviewed for head coaching jobs last year and is likely to be a strong candidate again this season.


Several league sources said that Ross is covertly working to be positioned to potentially trade for 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh -- like Ross, a prominent Michigan alumnus -- at the season's end, with Philbin and first-year general manager Dennis Hickey in essence lame ducks.

So, yeah. Great win Sunday. Real nice. But let's not act like all is well. If the schedule had brought on the Denver Broncos on Sunday or even another half-way decent team, we'd likely be talking about another crippling loss. And Philbin's seat would be even hotter.

A win is nice. But let's not suddenly act as if this team hasn't been putting out lit cigarettes on our assholes for the past four weeks either.

Victory Mondays Are Rare All right, all right... so beating the Raiders is a bag of farts when it all comes down to it. They're terrible, their coaching staff is in disarray, and their franchise has been even more hapless than Miami's the last few years. But hey, Victory Mondays are a rarity around here. Plus, the AFC East, amazingly, is wide open.

So what?

So let's dance!

Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph. Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter

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