The Dolphins and Patriots face off this Sunday at Sun Life Stadium for the first time this season. And even though New England is a heavy favorite, history has proven that this matchup can go in any direction.
This isn't the most heated rivalry in the AFC East (both teams have much more serious beef with those asshole Jets). But there's plenty of animosity to be found.
For the most part, their history isn't prolific. Mainly because the Patriots were a shit team for most of their existence until Belichick and Brady came along.
But what the rivalry lacks in numbers it more than makes up in quality.
Here now are the Top Five Games in Dolphins-Patriots history:
5.) The Snowplow Game (December 12, 1982)
For some reason, many consider this one of the greatest NFL games of all time. But, in reality, it was an abomination that was probably torture for people to watch back when there was no Redzone Channel. It was watch the Snowplow game, or watch NOTHING. The olden days were pure shit.
With time running out, the score knotted up at 0-0, and New England in field goal position, then-Patriots coach Ron Meyer had a snowplow brought onto the field to make some green for kicker John Smith. With a dry patch to work with, Smith hit a 33-yarder to give New England the game, beginning a long and hallowed history of the Patriots cheating their way to victories. And, in true douchey Patriots fashion, the team has the actual snowplow displayed in their team hall of fame inside Gillette Stadium to tell the world that they can cheat and win and get away with it, because they're the Patriots. LOOK AT OWAH HONAHED TRAAAADITION OF STEALIN' VICTAHREEEZ BY CHEATIN OWAH WAY TAH WINS, YA FACKIN CAWK SACKAHHHS! LET'S GO SAWWWWKS!!
Don Shula was pissed about the incident and complained to the NFL. But, no dice. The Patriots were given the game anyway, and now everytime these two face off, we're all subjected to watching clips of this cock-and-balls game during every pre-game show everywhere.
Chris Berman loves to show the clip of the snowplow clearing off the ice and snow from the field and talks about it as if it was some mystical moment in the history of human people during a bygone era of quarterbacks that couldn't throw a football more than five yards. Truth is, this game was boring as fuck. Because of shitty New England weather, the two teams combined for 433 yards. Patriot's quarterback Steve Grogan ended the day with 13 passing yards. THIRTEEN. The final score was 3-0 for dicksake. Oh but it's one of the greatest moments in NFL history because it was super cold and the Patriots brought out a John Deere and cleared off the snow because New England in the winter is pure unadulterated ass.
4.) The Robot Destroys the Patriots Defense (December 6, 2009)
OK, so this one doesn't immediately come to mind when you think Dolphins-Patriots. But it was either this game or the Doug Flutie's dropkick game. But fuck Doug Flutie with a garden gnome. We're going with the Day the Robot Chad Henne Dropkicked Tom Brady in the Cunt Game.
Things didn't start off so swell for the Fins in this one. On their first drive of the game, Randy Moss and Tom Brady flung a sock full of pennies at Miami's collective nards with a quick-strike 58-yard touchdown that seemed to signal we were in for a long afternoon. New England jumped to a quick 14-0 lead. And yet, just when you thought the Patriots were going to drop 50-plus on the Fins and lounge in the other guys' stadium while sipping frozen daiquiris and making out with their girlfriends, the Dolphins dipped their balls in the slushy machine and proclaimed, "Um, yeah... This shit ain't over yet."
Down 21-10, Chad Henne led Miami to back-to-back scoring drives, including a laser-accurate pass to Brian Hartline in the back of the end zone. Down 21-19 with just 3:44 left in the game, the Robot oiled up his gigantic metallic balls and proceeded to make mincemeat of the Patriots' defense. Henne led Miami on a ten-play, 51-yard drive that culminated in Dan Carpenter's go-ahead field goal with 1:02 left to play.
The clincher was the end, when Brady was trying to lead the Patriots into field goal range for a last second win. With 42 seconds left, Cameron Wake plowed through the offensive line, and mauled Brady, treating him like Bruce Willis did those German dudes in Die Hard, and forcing Captain Doucher to throw an errant pass that sailed right into the waiting arms of linebacker Channing Crowder. Game over. Dolphins 22, Patriots 21.
3.) That A.J. Feeley Game! (December 20, 2004)
2004 was a rough year for the Dolphins. Ricky Williams announced his retirement just days before the season began, and Miami started the season 1-8, forcing Dave Wannstedt to resign. The Dolphins then had Jim Bates as their head coach and A.J. Feeley as their quarterback.
Then, the mighty Patriots came to Sun Life Stadium with their 12-1 record to face the lowly Fins and their 3-11 record for a Monday Night showdown that everyone assumed would be the most epic cockpunch any team has ever delivered to another team in the history of sports. A shellacking waiting to happen.
But then, the game was played.
With a roster filled with no-names (except for Jason Taylor), the Dolphins upset the undaunted Patriots in what is one of the biggest upsets in franchise history, not to mention one of the most memorable wins. With the season a full-on kick to the groin, the Dolphins played this game like it was their Super Bowl. The defense intercepted Brady four times, while Sammy Morris ran for two touchdowns.
In was a memorable night indeed, inspiring the above video which is both sappy as balls, and awesome at the same time.
Kicking Patriots ass should always be accompanied with the Last of the Mohicans soundtrack.
2.) Unleashing The Wildcat (September 21, 2008)
In September of 2008, the Dolphins were in desperate need to turn things around. Their season was on the brink of spiraling out of control. And now they had to go into New England to face the undefeated Patriots to salvage their year. Something had to be done. So, on the way to New England, on the team plane, the Dolphins' coaches hatched a plan: they would unveil an antiquated formation where the running back lines up at the QB spot, and the QB at the receiver spot, and anything goes after that. The formation: THE WILDCAT.
It was a desperate move.
And it fucking worked beautifully.
The Wildcat was born on this day, friends. And it not only threw the Super Genius Bill Belichick completely off his game, it turned the season around for Miami and effectively started the end of the Patriots' season.
Via the Wildcat, Ronnie Brown rammed a fist into the collective ass of the Patriots and turned them into his own personal hand puppet to the tune of 113 rushing yards, 4 touchdowns, 19 passing yards, and 1 passing touchdown.
Brown accounted for all 5 of Miami's touchdowns, leading his previously hapless team to a shocking 38-13 Ike Turner-esque bitch slap of New England in New England, ending the Pats' 21-regular season game winning streak and sending their season into a spiral. The Dolphins would end up winning the division and going to the playoffs, while the Patriots were eliminated from the postseason.
1.) Dan Marino Returns (September 4, 1994)
It was Dan Marino's first game back after suffering a season-ending Achilles tear the year before. Questions and rumors rumbled about.
Was Marino finished?
Was he washed up?
Would he ever be the same?
And then Marino came out and answered those questions by shoving his golden arm into everyone's collective chest and ripped out their still-beating hearts with a performance for the ages.
The Patriots' Drew Bledsoe had himself a monster game, throwing for 421 yards and 4 touchdowns.
But The Right Arm of God reminded the world that he was the greatest to ever play the game, and out-dueled young Bledsoe by throwing for 473 yards and 5 touchdowns.
Irving Fryer caught three of those touchdowns and, after every one, pointed to the sky to thank God.
Irving Fryer was pointing in the wrong direction. God was on the field, wearing number 13.
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