The Seven People You'll See at the Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show
The 54th annual Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show kicked off Thursday, and will run through the weekend.
It's a time for people to head on out to take a look at all kinds of boats, from small vessels to super yachts. The event is expected to bring in about half a billion dollars for the city. It also expects to bring in all kinds of folks from all walks of life here in the "Yachting Capital of the World."
With that in mind, here are The Seven People You'll Spot at the Ft. Lauderdale Boat Show. Make a game of it with your family, like some kind of wacky scavenger hunt!
7. Sugar Daddies If there's one person you'll see more than any other at the Boat Show, it's the Sugar Daddy. And really, the Boat Show merely exists for them. The Boat Show is pretty much the Sugar Daddy Convention. It's where all the Sugar Daddies converge with their old balls and their super hot wives with fake breasts. Yes, she's gorgeous, seductive and sexy. Yes, he's old, pot-bellied and gross. But he has more money than God. So he can pretty much pull it off. And there's nothing you can do about it but stare and wonder where it all went wrong.
6. Yachties Their face is so rudy and coriaceous, when they smile, it makes the same sound your leather boots do when you break them in. They always wear short cargo shorts. They never wear socks. They have homes in the Hamptons and smell of brine and Polo by Ralph Lauren. They're yachties -- or "yacht enthusiasts," as they refer to themselves. They, of course, already own a yacht, which is docked in Broward. But they come to the show to see the new vessels and talk yacht-speak, and who will win the next America's Cup with the other Yachties.
5. Massholes They live in South Florida but only come out for three things: When the Patriots play the Dolphins, when the Celtics play the Heat, and when Boat Show weekend hits. And they're just as obnoxious and entitled at the show as they are at the sporting events.
Look out for this conversation from a Masshole or two at the Boat Show:
"OWAH BOAT SHOWS AH BETTAH THAN YOAH BOAT SHOWS! OWAH VAKASHAAHN HOME IN CAYPE CAAHHD IS BETTAH THAN ANY HOTEL IN PAAAALM BEEECH. LET'S GO SAWWKS!"
4. Models AWWWWWWWW YEAHHH....
3. Russian Oligarchs "I leef Mother Russia to come to United States. I make bizniz. I make mohney. I buy beeg boat. You come weeth me on beeg boat, yes? You become my wife for one yeer. Okey. No more tawking. We meet my mother in Ukraine now. We take boat to Ukraine, yes?"
2. Old Boat Dudes These guys are like Yachties, but much older. They've been around. They've earned the right to wear captain hats and not look silly in them. They know how to tie a jib. They wear red scarves around their necks. They smoke wicker pipes. They can regale you with epic stories of the sea. They're salty. They're old. They all claim to have gone sailing with JFK. They all talk like Thurston Howell III.
1. Gawkers Gawkers are you. Gawkers are me. Gawkers are people that hit up the Boat Show just to marvel at the size and breadth of the crazy-expensive yachts and daydream about owning one. They come to the boatshow to look at all the stuff they'll never have. And they take a shitload of pictures. They ask for brochures and inquire about the price of a particular boat, even though they have zero intentions of ever buying one, because they can't afford it. They make their kids sit at the steering wheel for pictures. This is as close as they'll ever get to being a bonafide yachtsman. And then on Monday they'll go back to their crappy jobs and bore their co-workers with stories f the giant yachts they saw at the boat show, and man you should really go next year, and man does traffic to the boatshow suck ass, you wanna see another picture??
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