Top Five Ways to Woo LeBron: Make Miami Feel Like Cleveland

Although the rumors swirling about LeBron James joining a dream team Heat lineup may be absurdly wishful thinking, it never hurts to do some practical planning.

The King, who grew up in Akron, Ohio, will not leave his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers on a whim. To many Clevelanders, he's considered as holy as Catholic school teachers and homemade perogies. They worship him with a desperate loyalty that South Florida has never bestowed on its sports heroes. To compete, the region must take a serious stab at humility. Here are a few suggestions, courtesy of an ex-Clevelander, to make LeBron feel right at home:

1) Plaster a Jesus-like image of him on a Brickell condo tower. In fact, give him the entire building, since it's probably empty anyway.

2) Recruit a floppy-haired Brazilian teammate who likes to fall down.

3) Toss some dead fish and motor oil into Biscayne Bay, call it Lake Erie.

4) Make sure Miami-Dade County is so corrupt and jobless that a major sports star is its only economic hope for the future. Hmmm, perhaps that's not such a stretch...

5) In the mansion he built near Akron, LeBron enjoys a bowling alley, movie theater, and recording studio. Can you top that, P. Diddy?

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