The Florida Legislature has been busy writing up bills willy-nilly these past few weeks, all in an effort to make the Sunshine State not so ridiculous in the eyes of the rest of the nation.
And while there are some important things to discuss -- like the legalization of weed, for example -- legislators are also tackling the ol' Florida tradition of gun laws.
Is there a bill out there that wants to let teachers get their Dirty Harry on and pack hand cannons while at school? Will another bill pass that will give us more George Zimmermans?
It's all a bit confusing. But no worries. The Pulp is here to give you the rundown on the top six gun bills that our lawmakers are discussing in Tallahassee, in easy-to-follow layman's terms!
6. The Pew-Pew Bill SB 1060: This bill would make it not OK to punish children for doing what children do: pretend play. Specifically, pretend play with a gun that isn't actually a gun.
The law would provide that "simulating a firearm or weapon while playing or wearing certain clothing or accessories is not grounds for disciplinary action."
This one is called the "Pop Tart bill," which apparently comes from that time a boy in Maryland got suspended from school for chewing his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun.
See, kids, now you don't have to bring an actual gun to play soldier with your friends in the playground! Weeeeeee!
Also, kudos to Maryland for outstupiding Florida. A rare achievement, indeed.
/does congratulatory finger-guns at Maryland //gets suspended
5. The Moar Gunz in Skoolz Bill SB 968: Would allow school district board -- including superintendents and principals -- to designate trained personnel to carry concealed firearms on school grounds to "prevent violent crimes from occurring on school grounds."
This sounds like an awesome idea. If every school employee were Liam Neeson. However, since that won't be the case, instead of making it harder for nutters to get their hands on guns, the obvious better choice here is to arm more people.
If the movie Red Dawn taught us anything, it's that the commies can strike at any moment, so we need to be prepared to fight them off when they attack our schools. WOLVERINES!!!
4. The Don't Charge Me Higher Rates Just Because I Have a Greater Chance of Shooting Myself in the Foot, Bro, Bill SB 424: The bill would make it not cool for insurance companies to discriminate against gun owners.
"Providing that unfair discrimination on the basis of gun ownership in the provision of personal lines property or personal lines automobile insurance is a discriminatory insurance practice."
Damn straight! Gun owners have suffered the injustice of discrimination LONG ENOUGH. It's gotten to the point where gun owners can't even hail a taxi cab in the city! Gun owners can't even get married in some places, probably!
Besides, it's not like people who own guns are a liability to themselves or anything. Except for those guys who shot themselves while they were cleaning their guns... or that guy who shot himself in the dick and balls while cleaning his gun. Other than that, insurance companies should be totally cool about insuring gun owners!
3. The Apply for a Concealed Weapons Permit White Paying Your Taxes Fuck Yeah! Bill SB 544: THIS IS AMERICA, WHERE IT IS OUR PATRIOTIC RIGHT TO OWN GUNS AND ALSO TO BE ABLE TO HIDE GUNS IN OUR SOCKS OR SOMETHING WHEN WE GO TO THE MOVIES BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR GONNA NEED A GUN WHEN YOUR AT THE MOVIES DON'T TREAD ON ME. WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? YOUR SUCH A LIBERAL GAY FOR NOT WANTING ME TO HAVE A GUN AT THE MOVIES. ALSO, AMERICANS PAY TAXES EVERY YEAR BECAUSE OBAMA. SO IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT WHILE WE PAY OUR TAXES THAT OBAMA ALLOWS US TO APPLY FOR A CONCEALED WEAPONZ PERMIT WITH OUR TAX COLLECTOR. AMERICA! BALD EAGLES! JESUS! EXPLOSIONS! DALE EARNHARDT JR.! BIKER CHICKS! FREEDOM! WALMART! SKYNRRRRRD!
2. The We Can't Believe This Is Actually a Thing We Have to Discuss Bill SB 448: This bill exists because, thanks to cray-cray loopholes in Florida gun laws, Marissa Alexander, a 32-year-old African-American mother of three was sentenced to 20 years in prison for firing a gun into the air to ward off her abusive husband from attacking her.
The bill would protect people who fire a warning shot as Alexander did.
During her trial, Alexander cited Stand Your Ground, which is probably the first time the law was actually used for what it was intended -- to use force to protect oneself if a life-threatening situation arises.
But then something called the 10-20-Life law derailed her defense and a judge ruled that Alexander was not eligible to use Stand Your Ground. Now she awaits her fate.
Meanwhile, this nimrod is walking around signing autographs. Ah, Florida.
1. The Better Late Than Never, We Guess, Bill SB 130: This bill is an amendment to Stand Your Ground and, had it existed before, George Zimmerman might be painting his horrible art in a prison cell today.
SB 130 basically remakes neighborhood watch programs and would make it so that a self-defense claim can't be made by someone who provokes an attack unless he is in, as the wording puts it, "imminent danger."
Meaning that even if you are getting your ass beat and all the other guy has as a weapon is a bag of Skittles and an ice tea, you can't just shoot and kill him and get away with it because you deemed yourself an unofficial cop. You're not Batman. So run away and call police if you think someone is a threat.
Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph.
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