Last night against the Cubs, Miami Marlins right fielder Giancarlo Stanton hit his 19th home run (best in the National League), a low line drive that soared just over the right-field fence. It looked different from most of his 136 career bombs in a Marlins uniform, though.
Less sexy.
It was Stanton's shortest shot of the season at just 366 feet -- only his third homer this year under 400 feet. So far in 2014, there have been 26 home runs hit 450 feet or longer. Stanton -- Crusher of Monster Dongs and ladies' hearts everywhere -- has accounted for nearly 20 percent of the entire sport's mammoth long balls this season, hitting five over 450 feet, more than any other player.
Hell, in May alone, Stanton ripped eight home runs, the shortest one going 412 feet, with the average home run distance this year coming in around 396 feet. Point is, dude has sex with the baseball, and after four years of appreciating the best basketball player on the planet -- pleasepleaseplease come back for more, LeBroncito -- it's time to shift our attention as sports fans and really appreciate something else great in South Florida.
Sit back, Heat fans. Keep your heads up. And watch these ten Monster Dongs. You'll smile. We promise.
No. 10: His first homer ever, against the Tampa Bay Devil (!) Rays -- 6/8/10
OK, so he's hit maybe 100 homers longer than this one, but still. There's something nostalgic and special about it. This was before Stanton became Giancarlo -- he was Mike back then -- and it's before the Florida Marlins became the Miami Marlins, and it's before the Rays dropped the demonic word from their name. And, most importantly, it's before we knew what we had. A cool display early on of what we would see.
No. 9: A shot off Roy Oswalt and the Phillies -- 9/6/10
An underrated portion of "reporting" this story? Listening to ace color analyst Tommy Hutton lose his shit over and over like Stanton is tickling him. Take this homer from '10 where Hutton cuts off play-by-play man Rich Waltz to add something substantive: OHHHHHHHH
No. 8: Deep to centerfield off the Padres -- and I mean deep -- 5/4/12
Anthony Bass gave up ten homers in 2012, but none elicited this much giddy joy from a broadcast booth. We can just picture Hutton standing and grinning while he yells, watching another towering moonshot. Don't we all do that?
No. 7: Stanton clubs one against an old, old man -- 5/21/12
Not fair. That was our reaction watching this 462-foot blast on repeat, and you can't really blame us, not when Jamie Moyer, the pitcher, happened to be 49 years (FORTY BLEEPING NINE) at the time of said most embarrassing moment of his life home run. For the record, the ball didn't land. It broke the scoreboard.
No. 6: Stanton homers while stinkin' greens are shown on the TV -- 7/23/13
Just another epic reaction from your guys Waltz and Hutton, who transition nicely from checking out the food in the stands to screaming deliriously. HOT TIP, baseball TV producers: Don't you dare do a stupid food segment while Stanton is up to bat.
No. 5: Hitting Miami Dolphins legends -- 9/9/11
The sound the bat makes here, immediately after Braves lefty Mike Minor tosses a soft one down the pipe, is just majestic. Also, Minor didn't learn his lesson, because Stanton took him deep again later in the same game.
No. 4: Oh, Eric Stultz, you peasant, you -- 4/4/14
Padres pitcher Eric Stultz, peasant lefty, is like hundreds of pitchers in the league who all have given up bombs to Adonis Stanton, but Stultz gets to hold a place in history with this pitch. At 484 feet, it's the longest ball ever hit at Marlins Park.
No 3: Stanton has his Miguel Cabrera moment. And it's awesome -- 8/17/13
Remember in the 2003 World Series when Roger Clemens threw up and in on Cabrera, the young Marlins phenom, who responded by belting the next pitch over the right-field fence and rounding the bases with a glare? Stanton gets buzzed by Matt Cain and then hits one over the Budweiser Bar in left field. No big deal.
No. 2: 494 feet of HOT SEX -- 8/7/12
Stanton once hit a homer that may or may not have gone more than 500 feet in a spring-training game, but this marks his longest homer ever hit in a regular-season game. Ain't nothing regular about it, though.
No. 1: This one's for you, Heat fans -- 5/3/12
Look, even when things feel shitty as a South Florida sports fan, there are facts you take solace in. The Jets suck, the Nets suck, and so do the Mets. Knicks too, always obviously. These are things you can count on. So when Stanton strode to the plate here, bases juiced, with the Mets' hopes getting thinner and thinner, Stanton expired them, and we all smiled. He's hit walk-off grand slams before but none that felt quite like this. Why? Because it was Mother's Day and Stanton had a pink bat and it was just so damned loud and -- ah, who are kidding. It was great because as he rounded the bases, every Marlins fan there, present and spirit forms both, had the same thought coursing through them: At least we're not the Mets. And, holy hell -- what a monster dong.
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