So unless ESPN and every other national sports news source is wrong (it happens), it looks like LeBron James will be joining Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh on the Miami Heat, instantly creating the most interesting and feared team possibly of all time. But before we get to the business of multiple, guaranteed, without-a-doubt championships (or else its already total failure), first the nation must deal with the business of nicknames.
No collection of great athletes would be official without some sort of clever, overly confident, apocalyptic-sounding pseudonym. Here are a few of our suggestions:
It's quick. It's catchy. It references '80s culture (and the culture of horrible '00s reimaginings). Plus it implies we'll see some boat chases and exploding shit, and maybe we'll hear a sax solo.
Remember when "Whoop Ass" was like an imaginary drink people offered other people they were willing to fight? As in "Don't make me open a can of Whoop Ass!" Well, this is like that. But instead of being a hillbilly-sounding concoction in a dented can, LeBroshAde is a healthy, relaxing, refreshing beverage served chilled, with several slices of championship. To be served a cold LeBroshAde is to beaten thoroughly, beautifully, in a way that leaves you almost thirsting for more.
DLC and the Sunshine Band
How about a disco reference? I guess the surrounding team of minimally paid rookies and veterans filling out the roster will be the "Sunshine Band." What self-respecting aging NBA all-star wouldn't want to be part of that?
The Three Amigos
This nickname is still available in the anuls of history. Yes, there was that awesome '80s movie with Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, and Martin Short. Yes, it had some great lines and costumes, a singing bush, and the best canteen joke ever filmed. But just reimagine: If these guys call themselves the Three Amigos, then, with a friendly smile, win five straight championships, 40 years from now, kids will think the movie was referencing them.
The James Gang
It has that badass outlaw aspect going for it, but this could be a political nightmare by immediately making Bosh and Wade secondary members of "the gang" (which they very well may become). Plus Florida is no place for trench coats and cowboy hats.
This was what people called Dwyane Wade two years ago in his valiant-but-failed bid for the NBA's Most Valuable Player award. But that didn't really take off... and LeBron James won the MVP that year. It would work much better in this context. This one also has a nice, futuristic sound, though it could get complicated after the Heat's third or fourth championship: "MV3's third in a row" is clumsy in the mouth.
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The Tycoon Trio
Because they all make a lot of money, there's three of them, and "tycoon trio" is just alliterative enough to sound clever(ish). Plus "Magnate a Trois" has some connotations I don't think these young men are looking for.
Mia Slamma Jamma
A play on the nickname of the University of Houston teams in early '80s: Phi Slamma Jamma (like a fraternity of dunkers).
Three King Circus
This works only if they are really, really fun to watch and nobody dresses up like a clown at any point. Another variation on this could be simply "Three Kings." The problem: LeBron has worked pretty hard over the years to cultivate his "King" thing, and the fake coronation process cannot be rushed.
The Royal Family
See, this takes from LeBron's "King" nickname and expands on it without the awkwardness. It also implies that even if they argue, they're all on the same page in the end. The drawback: Because of the number of syllables, this could be hard to chant at a victory rally. And if you can't chant something drunkenly afterward, ("U-S-A! U-S-A!" "New-York Yank-ees!"), then what was the point of winning?