Top Turkeys of 2014: Six Florida Personalities We Loved to Hate This Year

Top Turkeys of 2014: Six Florida Personalities We Loved to Hate This Year
Illustration by Jason Crosby

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. You know this. What you also know is that it's a day of time-honored traditions like sharing a feast with loved ones, watching football with friends, watching Aunt Edna get drunk on boxed wine, and trying to explain to your mom why you're not married yet.

Another time-honored tradition is the presidential pardoning of the turkey, which is the dumbest thing a president can ever do. But hey, traditions. So President Obama will pick a turkey and pardon it so that no one will eat it, until the Republicans in Congress shut down the government over his choice of turkey.

However, here in Florida, we too have some turkeys. And none of them should be pardoned. Because they're in their own way despicable or awful or just downright insufferable. Here's our time-honored tradition: Florida's Top Turkeys, the 2014 edition:

Top Turkeys of 2014: Six Florida Personalities We Loved to Hate This Year

Jack Seiler and the Fort Lauderdale Commissioners In what has to be one of the worst public relations clusterfucks of all time, Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jack Seiler and the city's commissioners decided they wanted to keep the city clean and homeless people sanitary by not allowing them to be fed unless the people feeding them met a set of stringent rules, including providing a port-o-potty for the homeless. Yep. You can't feed the homeless in a park or a beach unless you bring a shitter with you along with a sandwich. The ordinance essentially made it illegal to feed homeless people out in public. The motivation behind the ordinance was to keep the city clean and keep feedings indoors and sanitary. Instead, it led to a sweet 90-year-old man being the face of a city's shame after he was cited several times for daring to be a decent human being and feeding the homeless.

Charlie Crist and Florida Democrats You had one job, Democrats: Unseat one of the most unpopular and despicable governors in the United States. Easy! The governorship was served up to you on a silver platter -- and no port-o-potty was necessary. Rick Scott is a known fraudster and a shady Tea Party pal who tried to pass a draconian drug-testing policy that would force people on welfare to pee in a cup before getting assistance. He's been a disaster for schools, the environment and the economy and is a man who will never give a straight, coherent answer about anything because his first instinct is to bullshit. He's a half-man, half-snake and a vote suppressor who's best friends with the NRA. So what do the Florida Dems do? They manage to actually screw up beating this guy as if by wizardry by trotting out a lame-duck ex-Republican known as a flip-flopping schemer. The Democrats could literally have picked anything else to run against Scott and won: A tree. A car battery. A baby. A tire set on fire. ANYTHING. Instead, they went with Crist and blew their best chance at getting rid of Scott. High-five, you dolts!

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