Tropical Storm Bonnie may be Something to Fear, if Only for the Bad-ass Name

That's a double-barrel helping of Bonnie Parker.
That's a double-barrel helping of Bonnie Parker.

Unless the wheels on your house sit below sea level, you probably haven't done much to prepare for the tropical depression that's about 400 miles southeast of Key Largo. It's expected to turn into Tropical Storm Bonnie today, and then maybe hit South Florida.

After living through everything from Andrew to Wilma, we don't worry much about tropical storms. But with Bonnie, maybe we should. Why? Because Bonnies are badasses. Take the top five Bonnies:

1. Bonnie Parker
Bonnie Parker and partner Clyde Champion Barrow become something of a national obsession in the 1930s as they went on a crime spree from Oklahoma to Michigan. In addition to murder, robbery, and kidnapping, Bonnie was found to be

driving a car with a prescription bottle filled by her aunt (maybe something of a precursor to South Florida's prescription drug trade?). FBI agents gunned down Bonnie and Clyde in a Louisiana ambush in 1934, ending the run of America's greatest Bonnie.

2. Bonnie "Prince" Billy

If there's one thing you can say about this

Bonnie

's music, it's that it sounds like nothing else. There's some folk, roots, indie rock, and a whole lot of melancholy. He looks like my eighth grade shop teacher but sings as if he's got a world of hurt behind that short-sleeve button down. To borrow one of his lyrics, his songs land "like a blast in the ear that rests before you hear the vowel."

Tropical Storm Bonnie may be Something to Fear, if Only for the Bad-ass Name

3. Bonnie Bernstein
You know what crazy shit ESPN sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein has done? None. Or at least not that we know of, because all we know about Bonnie Bernstein is that she's a damn fine sideline reporter, who graduated magna cum laude with a journalism school degree. Sex tape? No. Dancing with wanna-be stars? Not this sideline reporter. Want proof? Check out this kick-you-in-the-nuts analysis of the ever-hated A-rod.

Tropical Storm Bonnie may be Something to Fear, if Only for the Bad-ass Name

4. Bonnie Tyler
OK, OK, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and every other song this Welsh crooner put out is horrible, but did you see that photo? See how she paired that awesomely feathered hair with a Madison Avenue suit? That's moxie, Bonnie style.

Tropical Storm Bonnie may be Something to Fear, if Only for the Bad-ass Name

5. Bonnie Prince Charlie
Prince Charles Edward Stuart, who is often referred to by the nickname Bonnie Prince Charlie, fled Britain in 1688 while disguised as a serving maid. The reason: He refused to give up Catholicism. Sounds pious and noble, right? Well, this Bonnie is best known for the hell of a roadtrip he went on. He had numerous affairs, including one with the wife of a French prince, another with his first cousin, and again with a Scottish mistress. Sure, his refusal to convert might be admirable, but the Scots still sing a folk song about Bonnie Prince Charlie as much for his royal booty.


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