November 23, 2010 | 12:07pm
5. A hotdog
Hotdogs are also sticks of meat but unlike Slim Jims they are thicker, more greasy, and slightly stale from the three days of rotating on the heater. The stale quality only means it'll pack more of a punch.
4. A pack of gum
This item needs advanced planning. What would really suck is if the culprit had the foresight to chew on the wad of gum during the fight. Trust us, no amount of peanut butter would be enough to get that out of your hair.
3. A newspaper
Hey, the kid could get papercuts.
2. A Slurpee
The smell of a Slim Jim is similar to an elderly pig's rear end but can you imagine unwittingly bathing in a Slurpee? It would take longer to rinse off the stickiness than it will for the sheriff's office to find the offender (and that's a long time!)
1. A can of Four Loko
When the U.S. Government doesn't want us to have something what do we do? We get our grubby hands on it and turn it into a weapon.