Tuesday, September 4, 2012 at 11:06 a.m.
Fed-up with rampant voter fraud and not gonna take it anymore? Tired of liberal activist judges playing footsie with the likes of ACORN and making a mockery of democracy? If so, here's a novel solution:
"If you are a legal gun owner in the state of Florida and you suspect someone on Election Day is committing voter fraud you can shoot him or her with your licensed weapon and not be charged with a crime. Precedents have already been set allowing these rights, like the important Stand Your Ground law, and in this case, there is more at stake than just one person's life; this is for the life of this great country."
Think a law to that effect might be a little, um, extreme? Concerned West Palm Beach citizens "Robert Stevens" and "John Nelson," the originators of Protect the Polls, beg to disagree. Taking Flori-duh's Stand Your Ground law and Governor Evil's effort to suppress minority voter turnout to their absurd, logical conclusion, the duo advocate a legal right to terminate voter fraud with extreme prejudice. Their soundbite-ready appearance at the Republican National Convention in Tampa last week drew instant media attention. And their freshly minted website already claims powerful friends like the National Rifle Association and Governor Evil.
Do we detect some skepticism here? Think this might just be a political prank? The innocuously named Stevens and Nelson wouldn't grant us an interview, but they must have a lot on their plate. Consider how many causes they throw themselves into.
They first gained attention last fall at Zuccotti Park, where -- with the attire and attitude of investment bankers -- they came to "Occupy Occupy Wall Sreet!" "We're going to take back what's rightfully ours," they announced to passersby. "All the money, pretty much, in the United States of America." (They were identified at the time as "comedians Davram Stiefler and Jason Selvig.")
They've also served the Church of Scientology, combing the streets of Manhattan in search of lamb-gone-astray Katie Holmes. "Katie, if you're out there, come home," they proclaimed. "We miss you. We are your family. We own you."
Ever stalwart, they've put their shoulders to the Chick-fil-A wheel, peddling gay conversion in the very heart of alt-sex darkness, Greenwich Village. In Washington Square Park, they handed out coupons that offered a free chicken sandwich in exchange for the bearer's homosexuality.
Their most recent crusade, Protect the Polls, is their boldest yet, believable enough, in the context of election-year mania in the
Sunstroke Sunshine State that media outlets bought into it hook, line, and sinker -- and turned resentful and angry when the truth dawned.
And if the supposedly sophisticated types in the media can be gulled, who knows how far some
White Citizen's Council tea party yokel will run with the idea. Or how closely PTP's inflammatory proposal is being monitored by law enforcement. Or what the honchos at the NRA will make of PTP's claim the NRA endorses armed pollwatching.
If this is political theater -- and no doubt it is -- it could turn into a ticket hotter than its creators intended and end as a command performance in a court of law. All publicity is good publicity, though, and Fire Ant salutes PTP's courage and honors their satirical message.
Fire Ant is an invasive species, tinged bright red, with an annoying, sometimes fatal bite. He covers Palm Beach County. Got feedback or a tip? Contact firstname.lastname@example.org