Why This Blog Deserves a Government Bailout

This post is an official request to you, the U.S. taxpayer, for a government bailout for The Juice Blog. Like a pretentious menu, I won't be asking for a specific amount, only that it should have many zeros and come with no restrictions so that we can use it for employee bonuses, cashmere throws, and hundred-dollar-bill-coated clothing.

Why, you say, would the Juice blog deserve a bailout? Because we are so the future of journalism. I say this because we use colloquial phrases like "we are so," unlike daily newspapers, which still use the English of Beowulf.

Why This Blog Deserves a Government Bailout

And it seems appropriate to ask for this bailout now while daily newspapers are asking for government money. A bill in Washington proposes bailing out failing newspapers, and a columnist for the L.A. Times suggested recently that it's the only way to save newspapers. Her article, which was also a farewell column because her newspaper is in bankruptcy, was summarized with this line:

If we're willing to use taxpayer money to build roads, pay teachers and maintain a military; if we're willing to bail out banks and insurance companies and failing automakers, we should be willing to part with some public funds to keep journalism alive too.

This reminds me of a story my great-granddad used to tell about when he worked as a phone sex operator for the telegraph, only they called it a telegraph sex operator.

Back then, the telegraph operator industry was calling for a bailout to save it from being put out of business by newfangled phone sex operators. But then the Big War came, so the telegraph and phone sex operators all got jobs as riveters, which was OK because it sounded sexual in nature.

Anywho, daily newspapers are the new telegraph sex operators. They're antiquated and also totally not turning anybody on.

Case in point: The Sun-Sentinel printed a section on Thursday with a big "F" in the top right. The "F" apparently refers both to the word "food" and also the humorous tone in which I said an f-based curse while reading stories such as "What to do with ham when Easter is over," "A light, tasty tomato bisque," and "Worlds collide in Lychee Mojito."

Before you start making yourself a mojito with strange Asian fruit, here is perhaps the biggest reason the Juice blog deserves your hard-earned money and not the newspapers of the sex telegraph worker era. The reason: We can call Rush Limbaugh a douche and say that the West Palm mayor's stubbornness defies reason.

Why is that worth your tax money? Because it's true. Because blogs, because the alternative media, can tell you how it is.

Meanwhile, your great-granddad's daily paper has to write objective stories about Chinese drywall, quoting both sides, analyzing the issue, and never saying that cheap-ass developers screwed thousands of people by installing material they should have known was shit. Sure, the reporters writing the stories know it's true, but instead, they write stories that peg all of this on the homeowners, as if they're just whining about how their drywall came from Marshalls instead of the name-brand drywall store. No, this Chinese drywall is probably killing them.

But if these reporters were writing for the new media, if they were writing on a blog instead of at a daily, they'd tell it like it is.

Oh, instead of a check, any way we could do this bailout in cash? There's a serious sale at Marshalls on hundred-dollar-bill-coated jackets.

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