Will Carrie Prejean Visit Broward or Palm Beach? God Only Knows.

The former Miss California appeared at a Republican conference in Orlando Saturday and so I checked the Florida Republican Party website in hopes of learning when Carrie "Preechin'" Prejean might be scheduled to make a stop in our part of the peninsula. Of course, I couldn't find it, and the reason is perfectly clear if you read her remarks in Orlando.

Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean said losing the Miss USA pageant and later her state crown was part of God's plan.And the Big Guy doesn't have a publicist who can book appearances in advance, so all we can really do is look for the clues about how God has planned Prejean's career so far.

In His everlasting goodness, God began by designing Carrie Prejean to look like a Barbie doll. Then He gave her the courage and ankles and poise and hair to compete in beauty pageants. To win, of course, thought Prejean. But she lost.

The defeat was especially bitter considering that our holy heroine had flourished so brilliantly in the moment during the pageant when her faith was tested. The question came, of course, from that incorrigible, unrepentant gay, Perez Hilton, who demanded Prejean give her stance on gay marriage. She gave the correct, godly answer (not in my America!), so why had God forsaken her?

Oh, but he hadn't. That video became one of the most famous in pageant history. It catapulted Prejean into a new celebrity life. A blessing! But wait! Shortly thereafter came rumblings that photographs existed in which Prejean was displaying her nipple(s) to someone other than a Christian husband. That serpent, Perez Hilton, was delighted to share them with the world.

But again God intervened, placing stars in the photographs where the nipples should be, and her honor was preserved. So with the irony that is His trademark, God made Prejean pretty enough for a pageant but wise enough to realize that it was all so much fluff. An excerpt from Prejean's speech Saturday:

"If you honor God, he will honor you," she said. "I don't need to be Miss USA. I'm not going to little ribbon cuttings and things that aren't meaningful to me."

And in the months since she's been cursed by heathens, like any martyr worth her salt, and exalted by the holiest. It could hardly be a coincidence that in this past year God has also offered Sarah Palin as a source of inspiration (Beauty queens can become politicians!) and as a cautionary tale. Because after all, Palin didn't win the nation's ultimate pageant. In part, she was ruined by her inability to charm Floridians, those crucial swing state voters.

Which is why Florida figures so naturally into God's plan for Prejean -- He knows she needs swing state appeal. Considering how grueling a trial of faith she's endured so far, how could God not send her to Florida's most Democratic corridor, where she'd be jeered with such gusto? Stay tuned for the exact date -- God will tell us and his comely disciple when he damn well feels like it.


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