Xtreme Hurricane Sports: Do Not Try This at Home for Fear of Death
Batten down yer hatches and suit up.
Here in South Florida, we have been through our fair share of hurricanes, some crazy ones and some that feel like just another Florida summer afternoon shower. Truth is, a lot of Floridians don't take hurricanes seriously enough, considering them just a reason to not go to work and to party and do stupid things.
So to prepare you for this hurricane season, we've put together this guide for some recreational activities you can take part in while waiting out the storm.
First things first, safety.
No one should attempt any of the following activities without first constructing your safety suit. We have yet to test it, as there hasn't been a hurricane yet, but it comes from trusted sources that it should hold up. And remember, safety goggles. No one is safe without safety goggles.
Florida Launch vs. Chesapeake Bayhawks
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Florida Launch vs. Charlotte Hounds
TicketsSat., Jul. 22, 7:00pm
Intl. Champions Cup pres. by Heineken: Paris Saint-Germain v Juventus
TicketsWed., Jul. 26, 8:30pm
EL CLASICO MIAMI: Real Madrid CF v. FC Barcelona
TicketsSat., Jul. 29, 7:30pm
Behold, the Xtreme Suit of Armorboard!
Materials: Cardboard boxes, duct tape, knee pads, KFC bucket, safety goggles.
*Disclaimer: This is clearly not safe. No one should attempt any of these incredibly stupid things we're about to show you. You will die a horrible death and bring shame to your family. All illustrations by art guru Jason Crosby
Materials: Skateboard, bed sheet (king or queen size recommended), belt loops, hurricane winds.
Car's out of gas? Worry not! There are 100 mph winds outside, and you're not sleeping much, since you have no A/C at your house. Use Mother Nature as the wind beneath your wings. Literally!
Materials: Running shoes, water bottle (stay hydrated!), sweatband, wristbands.
There's no place like home. There's also no safe place during a hurricane except for the eye in the middle. You will need endurance to keep up as you will be following the middle of the hurricane the whole time to avoid injury.
Materials: Dogs (two or more, preferably), upside-down garbage-can top, rope, flooded street.
Dogs need exercise; you need mobility. Laugh at people whose cars are stuck in the water after they attempted to drive through rivers in their Civics while you zoom by on pure human ingenuity. Or just race your friends!
Materials: Downed power lines, semideep flooded area, childhood joy.
"Danger: High Voltage" has never been more fun or more dangerous. We're not scientists, but we can tell you that electricity and water don't mix well. Then again, we're not here to teach you life lessons. Tip: Make sure to let go before you dive in the water.
Materials: Car, ski rope (rope and PVC pipe will work too), skimboard or surfboard with no fins (you may experiment with anything flat, really), a friend.
We're not sure what else to say but "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" It doesn't get cooler than this unless it's the Fonz ski-jumping the shark. Who cares that gas is like $5 a gallon and the gas stations have two-mile-long lines. We can't think of a better way to burn it up!
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