The wall of dildos and vibrators is mind-boggling. Hmm, boggles more than the mind, we guess. This adult playland offers a variety of ways to spice up your sex life. The X-Factor is a large space that sells reasonably priced, run-of-the-mill nonoxyl-9 lubricants like Astroglide and a few harnesses with all the basic straps for couple-fixin'. Knowing that safe sex is the best sex, the owners also provide a load of options in the latex department, including reality condoms, which are worn by ladies. But c'mon, aren't women always having to take care of everything when it comes to freaking? That's why you should pick up a blindfold for under $10 or a nice pair of $20 wristcuffs for your gal. And don't forget to snag some pamphlets about how to clean and care for your new toys on your way out.

The Swiss-chalet architecture of this place puts one's mind at ease. You could almost expect to walk into the store for a cup of hot chocolate and a bit of friendly banter with some girl named Heidi. If the girl in question were naked except for a pair of six-inch high heels and the chocolate in question were being poured over her body, you'd actually be close. Megaplexxx is looking forward to a bright future as a smuthouse. It has titles in all the important porn subcategories and even sub-subcategories. "Teens," for instance, is not a category in and of itself anymore. You have to know whether you want teen cheerleaders, teen schoolgirls, naughty teens, nice teens, 30-year-old women pretending to be teens, and so on. Whatever you come up with, Megaplexxx probably has it. Even Swiss teens involved in a chocophiliac love scene... well, maybe.

This place has it all, from A to Z. Or in this case, from Arturo Fuente to Zino. As long as you have something more than lint in your pockets, you should be able to pick up one of the cheaper cigarillos, which usually cost around 60 cents. But why do that to yourself? A good cigar will run you around $5, $10 if you really want to splurge. Of course, if you're the type to hemorrhage money whenever possible, prices go as high as $29.50 for a Davidoff Aniversario No. 1, which comes in its own tube. Once you've gotten a few cigars and developed a serious habit -- or addiction, as the case may be -- you'll want to purchase a humidor. Bennington sells them real cheap, $100 for a large one, which holds 150 to 200 cigars, or $65 for a small one, which accommodates up to 50 stogies. In all, the place boasts smokes from more than 80 manufacturers; each company has its own varieties, so you need never run out of new and exciting ways to do yourself respiratory damage.

For everyone who is shaving years off his life while satisfying that oral fixation, this place is a utopia among bars. It's very smoker-friendly, having only recently reduced the smoking section to a long row of comfortable booths against one side of the restaurant and bar; the government made them do it. As for the machine in the back of the room, two things separate it from the mundane cigarette-vending gizmo. First, a pack of darts costs $4. And, while that's a bit more expensive than typical convenience-store prices, it beats the pants off most other machines, where prices are usually in the $4.50 to $5 range. When you also include the fact that this machine dishes out hard packs instead of soft ones, it must be the best in town. Why pay $4 for a pack of smokes that's just going to be crushed in your pocket because of that darned soft pack? As long as there are cigarette machines, which may not be long, given the way the antismoking wind is blowing, Maguire's is the best local bet.

Broward County is home to plenty of shops selling marijuana pipes, but many of them also stock so many inconsequential knick-knacks, trinkets, and doo-dads that it's hard to get a gander at what you walked in there for. You can find your Nag Champa incense at any brightly lighted, family-friendly head shop, but for the best selection of those beauteous color-changing glass pipes (and waterpipes -- don't you dare call 'em bongs), explore the slightly sinister vibe at Cloudy Daze. Something tells us this is the place to come when your terrazzo floor and your hand-blown bubbler meet under tragically unfortunate circumstances. Rather than fill its square footage with Grateful Dead Hacky Sacks, sex-toy novelties, or crystal unicorns, Cloudy Daze has exactly what you want: Lots and lots of pipes with which to smoke dope. Is that so wrong?