Today through Sunday, Miami Beach will be transformed into Muscle Beach as 50,000 hot bods invade the sand between Seventh and Ninth streets on Ocean Drive for the Seventh Annual Miami Beach Sports & Fitness Festival. Gabriele Brustenghi, the event chairman, is a freak who has punished himself by running the New York City marathon 14 times! He's modeled the event after a festival in Rimini, Italy -- which, with 425,000 participants, is the largest fitness event in the world. If you've got the lungs and abs to go the distance, join in events like the "kiss underwater contest" or the "aerobic fiesta" (where you can try out classes like hip-hop cowgirl, ocean yoga, cardio striptease, or the Nike rock-star workout). If you don't, then pull up a chair at a bakery and go "Mmm... carbs!" as all the bikinis walk by. If running and jumping aren't your thing but popping and locking are, be sure to hit the festival between 3 and 6 p.m. today and Friday, when Speedy Legs and DJ Trails of Hip Hop Elements host "Clash 2005," a $1,000 b-boy crew battle and hip-hop dance competition. For $12, get admission to all four days of the festival. Visit www.fitnessfestival.com. (DF)
FRI 1
Robert Schimmel isn't the type of comedian you're going to find on Comedy Central. Not because he isn't funny (the guy's hilarious), but jokes about giving his dog a hand-crank just won't fly on basic cable. Though he's often referred to as one of the most explicit acts in standup, Schimmel manages to hit topics like anal sex, masturbation, and bestiality so matter-of-factly that they almost don't seem vulgar at all. He's a must-see this weekend at the Palm Beach Improv (550 S. Rosemary Ave., West Palm Beach) at 8 p.m. Plus, what's a better way to spend April Fool's Day than with a good laugh? Tickets cost $19.16. Call 561-833-1812, or visit www.palmbeachimprov.com. (PL)
SAT 2
Chicago's Rise Against first jumped into the big-time with its 2004 release, Siren Song of the Counter Culture. With a sound that is uniquely the same as yet similarly different from a good deal of the punk-hardcore bands that are gaining popularity lately, the band's sound (and its name) manages to sound vaguely familiar. This weekend, Rise Against's tour swings down to the Culture Room (3045 N. Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale) with bands Alexisonfire, Brazil, and the Black Maria. The show opens at 7 p.m. with local band Unwanted Superheroes. Tickets cost $12. Call 954-564-1074, or visit www.cultureroom.net. (PL)
SUN 3
The Holocaust stands as one of the most appalling atrocities of the past century, but from the horrendous events emerged countless tales of heroism against all odds. The documentary The Optimists: The Story of the Rescue of the Jews of Bulgaria tells the account of Bulgarian Christians and Muslims who saved 50,000 Jews from death camps. It screens today at Cinema Paradiso (503 SE Sixth St., Fort Lauderdale) at 7 p.m. after a 6 p.m. reception for the Bulgarian ambassador. Tickets cost $6 but are free for Fort Lauderdale International Film Festival (FLIFF) members. Also, don't forget to "spring" your clocks forward at 2 a.m. for daylight-saving time. Call 954-525-3456, or visit www.cinemaparadiso.org. (PL)
MON 4
"It's a very open open mic," says Renda, the 26-year-old host of "Coffeehouse Mondays" at the Hideout Bar & Grille (7200 N. Dixie Hwy., Boca Raton). Since revving up the spoken-word and music nights in early March, "the vibe has been the vibe I wanted," Renda says. "A real eclectic mix." So far, the evenings have drawn "it" boys and "it" girls of the local scene, like rapper Souleye and spoken-word poet Raff Adams, who spits out comical monologues. After having grown up in what he calls "the golden era of hip-hop -- before it got all gangsta and commercialized," Renda has settled in New York, hunkering down as a regular at the Nuyorican Poets Café, the city's mecca for verbally proficient hipsters. So, trust him -- the man knows how to put on a show. There is no cover, and the food's free. Renda fires up the mic at 8:30 p.m. Call 561-994-9494. (DF)
TUE 5
Long before Sinbad was known the world over as a terrible animated movie, most of us associated the name with the equally awful comedian. He first jumped into the spotlight in the mid-'80s when he appeared on Star Search, eventually losing to comedian John Kassir, who was the voice of the Crypt Keeper from the TV show Tales from the Crypt. But to 'Bad's credit, he's stood the test of time, having appeared in numerous television shows and more than a dozen movies. These days, he's back to his roots on the standup stage, and you can catch him at 7 tonight at the Club at Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino (1 Seminole Way, Hollywood). Tickets cost $50. Call 954-523-3309, or see www.seminolehardrockhollywood.com. (PL)
WED 6
There's something about two scantily clad gals grappling in a knee-deep pool of sexual lubricant that tends to draw a crowd. So you might want to get to Club Mirage (2275 N. State Rd. 84, Fort Lauderdale) early enough to get a good seat for the "Live Jelly Wrestling" at the Buck Wild Wednesday Party. If that doesn't put a stir in your trousers, stick around and watch as ladies put a price tag on their self-respect when they compete in an amateur strip contest for a staggering $200 prize. Wouldn't Mom be proud? The doors open at 8 p.m. with great drink specials and DJ Stevie D. spinning "Old Skool." The cover is $10, but admission is free for ladies until 10 p.m. Call 954-584-4233. (PL)
