As far as holiday shopping goes, punks can be hard to please.
But don't fret, we are experts when it comes to the Christmas lists of this hydraheaded rock 'n' roll youth culture and its myriad subdivisions.
After the cut, we've got gift suggestions for everyone from crusty train-hoppers to straight-edge kids and dumpster-diving freegan bike punks.
10. Taxi Driver on Blu-Ray
Ah, '70s New York City: When Times Square was one giant trap house and the whole town smelled like hobo pee. If you saw the Ramones today, you would call them hipsters. So maybe it's time you reevaluate your worldview, hmm? Did Robert Deniro invent the punk rock mohawk? Would true punx buy (steal?) a VHS copy of Martin Scorcese's classic anti-hero masterpiece?
9. Bicycle
Put a tricycle under your kid's tree (or if you're one of those magick pagan faery types, your Non-Denominational Holiday Sculpture) and they'll be jamming up traffic in Critical Mass faster than you can scream "Share the road!" and/or "Get a job!"
8. Puppy
Hey, every mangy, dirt-flaked, rot-smelling, eye-patch-wearing crust punk mutt started out as an adorable widdle puppy wuppy, quite possibly sporting a big floppy red bow. How does County Grind feel about dogs as potential punk rock Christmas gifts? We're glad you asked ... We say, "Throw 'em in the pit, and let a Norse god sort 'em out!"
7. Punk Jacket
"Punk is dead" - Elvis Presley
6. Straight-Edge Time Piece
We suspect that straight-edge kids (that is, hardcore punks who've pledged sobriety) are actually the people who want to party the hardest. That's why they ask Santa for watches to constantly remind them that they shouldn't do drugs. Because it's always on their mind! Do you chase the dragon? Or does it chase you? Does anybody really know what time it is?
5. Scuba Gear (For Dumpster Diving)
Punks will plunge headfirst into a barrel of degenerating trash with the glee of DuckTales-era Scrooge McDuck swimming a few laps in his pool of gold coins. But you can hold your breath for so long while crawling through garbage and checking the expiration date on discarded bottles of Odwalla. We suggest buying your diver relatives all of the gear pictured above, so they may more efficiently submerge their entire bodies in food that post-Enlightenment society has deemed "unsuitable for consumption."
4. Food (Not Bombs)
Speaking of "freeganism," aren't you sick-and-fucking tired of Yuletide shellfish and turkeys? Why not celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesucristo, with a piping plate of hot sauce cabbage stir-fry and rancid protein smoothies? And why not hold the festivities under a bridge? Or in a park with a hearty population of vagrants and junkies? Our Lord was born in a manger, after all.
3. Protest Sign Supplies
Have an anarchist sock puppeteer in your family? Consider some poster boards and sharpies, and your hippie-motherfucker uncle will be Occupying Christmas in no time.
2. Caught in a Holiday Mosh
While it's not exactly the kind of gift you can stuff in a stocking, throwing somebody you love into the eruptive combustion of a mosh pit is, as far as presents go, seriously underrated.
1. Space Phone
How else are they gonna upload train-hopping pix to Instagram?
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