Top Ten Reasons I Generally Hate Jam Bands.
Jerry Ruled
1. Jerry Garcia.
Jerome John Garcia was awesome. He died. It's over. Insert Duane Allman, Jimi Hendrix, et al.
2. Marijuana
It's mostly for kids and burnouts. It also generally
softens the harsh edges of horribly boring shows with horribly boring
guitar solos. (See below.)
3. Guitar Solos
They are often horribly noodley and are at the heart
of "jamming." I'd much rather have a short burst of brilliance that
fits wonderfully into the fabric of a song without wandering aimlessly
through the backwaters of musical scales. (See also: drum solos.)
4. Hygiene
It doesn't seem to be a priority for attendees at these types of shows.
5. Phish Kids
Read this to refer to Phish Kids, Rainbow Family, etc. 'Nuff said.
6. Hippie Dancing
I ate a half-ounce of mushrooms at a Dead show at
the Meadowlands in the early '90 and ever since then the twirling
freaks me out. The advanced hippie white boy squat looks to me like
the dancer is fucking an imaginary invisible dog.
7. The Blues
So many white jam bands just don't get it.
8. Solid State Gear/Effects Racks
Weirdly overprocessed
gain/delay/chorus/compression makes an otherwise fantastic instrument
sound like a pile of gain/delay/chorus/compression-y cow shit.
9. Refreshment
Haterade is sweet and refreshing and I like to drink it.
10. Songs
Jam bands generally seem to either not write songs
with discernible hooks and sweet melodies, or they seem to obscure them
with the above-mentioned solos.
11. Jazz
Jazz does it better.
12. Musicianship
Being a great "musician" does not mean you actually
play good music. For more information about this see Dream Theater.
