The latest from John de Groot, the king of interesting statistics. Here you have a lifetime's supply of information about trash. No wonder the mafia loves the carting business so much.
And you thought that smell was coming only from our politicians?
It jumps.
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Serious Shit In Earth Day Aftermath;
Ala the Late George Carlin
By John de Groot
NOTE: While the following post has a decidedly satirical bent*, the hard data are totally accurate and sourced. (*Like there ain't no Vinnie Bustagumbah.)
Green huzzahs and tree hugging were called for last week as South Florida residents celebrated Earth Day - never mind the sordid fact that we're generating more and more solid waste than ever before.
Solid waste, of course, is the technical term for trash - or what the late George Carlin accurately called worthless shit, society's good shit being what we collect and keep as opposed to paying someone to haul it away.
Of South Florida's three urban counties, Broward is Number One in producing worthless shit, according to Florida 's Department of Environmental Protection which tracks trash state-wide.
Annual Pounds of Worthless Shit Per Capita
1998 2006 increase
Miami-Dade 3,270 4,004 22%
Broward 2,956 4,088 38%
Palm Beach 3,051 3,150 3%
Florida 3,314 4,051 22%
"You're talking some serious shit here since local government pays us to haul this stuff," says Vinnie "The Envelope" Bustagumbah, Director of Governmental Affairs for Total Waste Management..
"Like billionaire Wayne Huizenga started out hauling worthless shit and now he can't go anywhere without people kissing his ass, he's so rich," Bustagumbah chuckles. "But then worthless shit ain't chopped liver."
However, notes Bustagumbah,"Nobody knows what's up with Palm Beach and their worthless shit numbers, which are way off. Could be Palm Beach is more into good shit than Miami-Dade and Broward."
Most of South Florida 's worthless shit is piled atop soaring mountains of solid waste called landfills, environmental experts report.
"Recycling and incineration ain't nothing compared to the trash mountains we're like building for the ages," says Bustagumbah. "We keep it up and tourists will be paying to climb our landfills for sport."
Annual Tri-County Worthless Shit Output - In tons
1998 2006 increase
Miami-Dade
All Worthless Shit 3,419,768 4,878,337 43%
Piled in Landfills 1,706,794 3,290,231 93%
Broward
All Worthless Shit 2,159,989 3,583,264 66%
Piled in Landfills 886,197 2,018,959 128%
Palm Beach
All Worthless Shit 1,556,820 2,029,451 30%
Piled in Landfills 623,143 1,016,793 63%
Florida
All Worthless Shit 24,857,959 35,039,875 41%
Piled in Landfills 14,108,142 22,742,125 61%
Naturally, just as all of us are against global warming, we're unanimous in our support of recycling our trash.
But then there is South Florida ...
"There's a way better profit margin piling shit in a landfill," explains Bustagumbah Total Waste Management. "Recycling worthless shit is a real labor intensive mother.
"In our business, the real money's in what we call humping and
dumping."
Which should explain the following:
Trends in Recycling Worthless Shit - Total Tons
1998 2006 increase
Miami-Dade
All Worthless Shit 2,090,314 4,878,337 43%
Recycled 793,695 918,696 16%
% recycled 38% 19%
Broward
All Worthless Shit 2,159,989 3,583,264 66%
Recycled 558,776 716,585 28%
% recycled 26% 20%
Palm Beach
All Worthless Shit 1,556,820 2,029,451 30%
Recycled 544,648 554,084 2%
% recycled 37% 27%
Florida
All Worthless Shit 24,857,959 35,039,875 41%
Recycled 6,877,297 8,567,929 25%
% recycled 28% 24%
Naturally, one might wonder why Florida 's government and media failed to mention the above startling - and decidedly non green - numbers during the pro-environmental love fest that marked last week's Earth Day celebration.
"Only a putz fart's in church," notes Bustagumbah. "Or talks about the bride's mustache at her wedding. Which is why all our dump trucks are painted tree-hugger green.
"Plus there's no way the media's gonna look at the freakin' numbers for newspapers and magazines," Bustagumah adds.
For example:
Trends in Trashed Newspapers and Magazines - Total Trends
1998 2006 increase
Miami Dade
Old Newspapers 183,229 254,269 39%
Recycled 56,800 71,195 25%
% recycled 32% 28%
Broward
Old Newspapers 92,809 153,977 66%
Recycled 67,775 63,130 (6%)
% recycled 73% 41%
Palm Beach
Old Newspapers 120,761 111,620 (8%)
Recycled 60,440 63,623 5%
% recycled 50% 57%
Florida
Old Newspapers 1,363,410 1,588,764 17%
Recycled 601,482 615,118 2%
% recycled 44% 39%
"Look at the numbers," urges Bustagumah. "In Florida , the only green that counts is the paint on our trucks and the color of money people pay us to get rid of their worthless shit.
"You wanna talk recycling and cleaning up the environment, better you should forget about it - Earth Day, or not."
Trends in Worthless Shit by Type - Total Tons
1998 2006 increase
Miami-Dade Pop. 2,090,314 2,437,022 17%
Glass 101,964 130,155 28%
Recycled 40,785 22,126 (54%)
Plastic Bottles 37,182 51,759 39%
Recycled 7,436 7,764 4%
Broward Pop. 1,460,890 1,753,162 20%
Glass 57,289 82,484 44%
Recycled 42,967 10,724 (75%)
Plastic Bottles 8,937 61,400 587%
Recycled 8,132 4,298 (47%)
Palm Beach Pop. 1,020,521 1,287,987 26%
Glass 51,682 54,795 6% l
Recycled 13,437 4,384 (67%)
Plastic Bottles 25,135 28,412 13%
Recycled 2,765 3,125 13%
Florida
Glass 742,482 772,096 4%
Recycled 224,641 117,811 (48%)
Plastic Bottles 250,422 468,901 87%
Recycled 44,612 57,225 28%
SOURCE ALL DATA : Florida Department of Environmental Protection
Solid Waste Annual Reports