You'd think that the problem with sickly sweet, carbonated, high-alcohol energy drinks would be (1) that they're disgusting, or (2) that the hangovers are hellish. And you'd be right on both counts. But the Food and Drug Administration believes there's another problem: That consumers will drink too much of the stuff because the effects of the caffeine will temporarily mask those of the alcohol. Which is why the FDA is banning beverages that combine caffeine and alcohol.
But here's some breaking news: Four Loko and other caffeine-alcohol drinks are not the first beverages to combine booze and caffeine!
"The Irish do that all the time," says Sean Murphy, a bartender at West
Palm Beach's legendary
Respectable
Street. Murphy insists that caffeine and
alcohol are not, in fact, a deadly combination. "I haven't been to
Ireland in a few years, but last time I checked, the Irish were still
there." According to Murphy, they didn't even seem sick. "No more than
usual, anyway."
The Irish beverage to which he referred -- "Irish Coffee," which is
ordinarily comprised of American coffee augmented with a plus-sized shot
of whiskey -- is sold at
virtually every bar in America.
When people arrive at Respectable Street, they often request "Monster
and Vodka." "They actually ask for Vodka Red Bull, but we don't do Red
Bull -- we have Monster," says Murphy. A Monster and Vodka contains,
among other things, caffeine, taurine, guarana, and lots of alcohol.
"People who order it don't die," says Murphy. "In fact, I see lots of
them over and over again."
However, Respectable Street does not serve Four Loko. "Not because it's
dangerous," says Murphy, "but because it tastes like the backside of a
bat. [...] It tastes like rancid Tang." According to Murphy, Monster and
Vodka tastes a lot better than Four Loko, and so far, the FDA has not
complained.
Four Loko -- called "four" because of its four
main ingredients
(alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and guarana), and "loko" because it makes
you crazy (and a bad speller) -- is manufactured by a company called
Phusion Projects LLC. It comes in eight eye-watering flavors: grape,
watermelon, orange-blend, fruit punch, lemonade, cranberry-lemonade,
lemon lime, and blue raspberry. The company came under the FDA's
scrutiny largely because of its obvious promotion to college students, a
demo notorious for its inability to hold its liquor, as well as for its
consistently wretched taste.
But what choice did Phusion have?
Who the hell else would buy the stuff? Grownup alkies know very well how
to get their caffeine-booze buzz without chugging a can full of noxious,
Red Bullesque chemicals.
