Alleged "low-cost" carrier Spirit Air will charge you 45 bucks if you want your luggage to make the round trip, and it's phasing out its recliner seats for newer, allegedly "pre-reclined" seats, which are 30 percent lighter, meaning Spirit can save some pennies on fuel.
Here at Juice, we want to help local businesses (Spirit's based in Miramar, remember?), and with that in mind we propose five ways for Spirit to stay firmly in the black. In keeping with Spirit policy, we have not factored in customer comfort or convenience:
5. Compulsory pre-flight enemas.
It's disgusting, degrading, and
absolutely guaranteed to reduce the weight of the cargo -- maybe even
more significantly than those new seats.
4. Flight attendants who turn tricks.
Given Spirit's streak for innuendo-filled advertising, along with its tradition of trying to make
money off its flight attendants, it's just a matter of time before the
airline goes full-pimp. (Also, passengers may be looking for a way to
forget about the enema they had back at the terminal.)
3. Fewer connections. More parachutes.
What's with all those
annoying people who insist on landing in flyover cities like
Charlotte and Nashville? Give 'em parachutes, a 2-minute tutorial, and wish 'em Godspeed.
2. Unlimited pretzels!
Fine print: Bottles of water: $20
1. Video poker terminals behind every seat.
Yes, there's still time to
squeeze this little sweetener into the Seminoles' gambling compact with
the state.
