Alexander Marcelino Perez needed a job, so he walked into Spencer's -- a sex toy and novelty shop in Bradenton -- and asked for an application.
But, joke was on Spencer's, because Perez wasn't there to apply for a job.
He was there to get his rocks off.
Namely, by swiping the merchandise.
Namely, a "Super Sucker" masturbating device.
But, unfortunately for Perez, he was caught.
According to a Manatee County arrest report, Perez, 19, wandered through the store before grabbing the "Super Sucker" and stuffing it into his pants (where else would you put it??).
Perez reportedly removed the adult pleasure device from its packaging before putting it in his trousers.
However, the store's loss prevention officer had his eye on Perez the whole time and grabbed him before he left the store without paying for the merchandise.
Also, yes, a sex toy shop has a loss prevention officer.
Perez was charged with misdemeanor theft and is being held in the Manatee County Jail in lieu of $120 bond.
The Super Sucker (this thing here), in case you haven't figured it out by the name, is basically a device for masturbating and retails at $16.99.
The product is described as "the masturbator with a real-mouth sensation!" And, "Our Super Sucker is ideal for guys that need extra stimulation to satisfy their cravings."
Kids nowadays.
In our day, we did this sort of thing for free, with a sock and a Victoria's Secret catalog. And, most important, IT KEPT US OUT OF JAIL.
(Also, embarrassment.)
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