Hear ye, hear ye, people of the Earth. You have exactly seven days in which to finish up that bucket list, reconnect with loved ones, and finally visit the Grand Canyon, because the world as we know it will end on November 19.
OK, that's a pretty bold statement. The world will not actually end on November 19. That's juts the day Pizza Hut will unveil its new "Flavor of Now" line of toppings, sauces, and crusts.
In an attempt to stay relevant, the chain could have gone one of two ways. It could have upped its game by choosing to focus on quality and healthfulness. Or it could go for shock value and introduce a host of items that never, ever should be allowed within 500 feet of a pizza. In fact, some of the items are so heinous (I'm talking to you, creamy garlic
Parmesan sauce and garlic buttery blend crust) that every self-respecting pizza should go to court to have a restraining order issued against them.
The Texas-based corporation, a division of Yum! Brands, was founded in 1958 by two University of Wichita students. Since then, the company has grown, with more than 13,300 restaurants -- including more than 5,500 locations outside the U.S.
Despite the sheer number of restaurants, Pizza Hut decided to reboot by adding a new line of products to its menu. Starting November 19, pizza fans will have the options of adding new toppings that include spinach, Peruvian cherry peppers, classic meatballs, premium salami, and banana peppers. If it had stopped right there, Pizza Hut might have gotten kudos for its additions. But it didn't leave well enough alone.
The company is also introducing "bold new sauces" and "exciting flavor enhancers" like creamy garlic Parmesan, barbecue, buffalo sauce, and honey sriracha. Even worse are the "drizzles" and specialty crusts, including the ominous garlic "buttery" blend, which calls to mind the oily "buttery" topping pumped onto your stale multiplex popcorn by a bored teenager.
But wait! There's more! In case all these options cause some kind of mental meltdown and you can't choose your own custom pizza from these options, Pizza Hut has some ready-made suggestions that, admittedly, have some of the most amusing names in the history of fast food.
If you're into a meaty experience, you can order the Old Fashioned Meatbrawl, a blend of classic marinara sauce topped with classic meatballs, fresh red onions, and diced Roma tomatoes. Or maybe you'd like to try the Cock-A-Doodle Bacon, a succulent blend of creamy garlic Parmesan sauce topped with grilled chicken, hardwood smoked bacon, and diced Roma tomatoes. There's also the Pretzel Piggy, made with creamy garlic Parmesan sauce, hardwood-smoked bacon, fresh mushrooms, and fresh spinach on a salted pretzel crust edge with balsamic sauce drizzle. Of course, there's one pizza that defines the entire menu -- the Hot and Twisted.
Obviously, Pizza Hut's regulars, like the Meat Lover's and the Veggie Lover's, will remain on the menu, alongside a new line of "skinny" pizzas (including the poorly named "Skinny Beach" pie).
Will these new flavors be a hit or a miss? Only time will tell, but one thing's for sure. Fads come and go (like sriracha drizzled on your pretzel-crusted meatball and bacon pizza), but quality stands the test of time. Maybe Pizza Hut should have bet its future on improving the basics.
Follow Laine Doss on Twitter @LaineDoss and Facebook.
Follow @CleanPlateBPB
