There's nothing like buying something that I have no earthly idea what it might be. Normally even if the packaging doesn't have much English on it, I can deduct from the pictures what I might find inside. Whatever this is, I have no idea. There are literally four English words on the package "Net Weight and Gluten Free". There are also no pictures, drawings, or hints as to what this food might be. Peering out through the clear plastic window look to be anemic circus peanuts. You know those bright orange marshmallow-ish candies that actually taste like the color orange? Well these look like those, except they don't have the brilliant orange color, kind of like what would happen if Bunnicula got to them just before they were packaged. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what Cassini Biscoito de Polvilho might be, I decide to just open the package and try one out.
The bag smells like dog food. Exactly like the Science Diet Small Bites
I feed my dog: Musty, super processed salty dog food. I pick one up and
notice how light it is. It weighs as much as a cheese puff. When I try
to squish one between my fingers, I realize that it's much denser than
it looks, not easily crushed or even broken in half. I decide to stop
trying to apply the laws of physics to these snacks and pop one into my
mouth.
Not at all surprisingly, it tastes exactly like it smells. I
immediately begin thinking of salty, sour milk as the washed out circus
peanut crumbles over my tongue. It has a healthy crunch, but that's
about the only thing this snack does right. The awful sour milk gives
way to a peculiar taste I can't quite recognize. After a few agonizing
moments, I realize it tastes like old plantain chips. After a few
minutes on an internet translator, I find out I've been eating a form
of baked yucca. Made with cassava flour, vegetable fat, eggs, refined
salt, milk powder, and integral flour soya, this treat clearly forgot
the most important part of any snack food: pleasant taste.
Who should eat this? Vampire rabbits, dogs, cats, pretty much any non-human.
