Bradenton

Florida Woman Bites Boyfriend's Penis For Not Having Sex With Her

A Bradenton woman wanted to get it on with her boyfriend, so she started touching him. However, the boyfriend wasn't feeling up to it for some reason and kept turning down her advances as the two lay in bed. So the woman had a reasonable enough response to his rejections. She bit him. On the di ... More >>

Florida Man Falls Asleep at the Wheel, Tells Cops His Brother Who Wasn't There Was Driving

A silver Hyundai had stopped at a Bradenton intersection at 1:45 am Saturday. And when the light turned green, it didn't move. When cops arrived after responding to a call about a car just sitting in an intersection, they found the driver in the car with the motor running and the gear in drive. App ... More >>

Florida Woman Arrested for Stealing a Lot of Sex Lube

Back in January, we told you about a man who was caught and arrested for stealing a "Super Sucker" masturbating device from a Bradenton Spencer's. But, as it turns out, people in Bradenton are apparently really horny (and broke), because the same Spencer's was hit by a separate would-be thief. Thi ... More >>

Miami Hurricanes Basketball Moves to NCAA Championship

Florida Man Scratching His Balls Starts Domestic Dispute

Can't a dude lie on his couch and scratch his balls in peace without his ole lady hassling him? Well, one man decided to take a stand to being able to nutscratch as a free man whenever he damned well pleases. Unfortunately, he went about it the wrong way, pushed his lady, and was charged with sim ... More >>

LeBron James, James Tracy, and a Muslim Cleric Walk Into an Appletini Bar

The local personalities, egos, and public figures who swung through the news cycle this week, ranked by New Times' crack research department using a highly scientific algorithm (i.e., a statistical flow chart documenting which of your buddies' "girlfriends" you've actually seen in person).

Man Arrested for Stealing "Super Sucker" From Sex Toy Shop

Alexander Marcelino Perez needed a job, so he walked into Spencer's -- a sex toy and novelty shop in Bradenton -- and asked for an application. But, joke was on Spencer's, because Perez wasn't there to apply for a job. He was there to get his rocks off.Namely, by swiping the merchandise. Nam ... More >>

Man Arrested for Allegedly Exposing Himself Inside a Starbucks

Something about Starbucks that makes Floridians want to uncontrollably play with themselves. Back in November, we told you about a woman who had been arrested in Bradenton for masturbating inside a Starbucks. Now comes the news that a man was arrested for exposing himself and touching himsel ... More >>

Mayan Calendar Predictions Versus Reality

Woman Beats Up Her Boyfriend After He Fails to Satisfy Her Sexually

According to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office, Esric Davis had himself the worst possible day imaginable when he couldn't satisfy his lady sexually and then got the crap beat out of him by her.  Raquel Gonzalez was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery and is being held in the M ... More >>

Woman Arrested for Allegedly Masturbating in a Starbucks

A Bradenton Starbucks just got a whole lot classier last week, after a woman was arrested on Thursday for allegedly masturbating inside the coffee joint. According to the probable-cause affidavit, 29-year-old Jennifer Piranian was sitting in the lobby of a Bradenton Starbucks when she was seen plea ... More >>

Killer Halloween Candy? No, Really — This Stuff Can Be Deadly

Halloween. The one time of year everyone wishes they were dead. Well...better make that undead...as in vampires, zombies, mummies, and other eternal creatures of the night.In spite of all that talk of dead people and monsters, Halloween is basically a pretty benign, family-friendly holiday. You dres ... More >>

The Fake-Pot Industry Is Coming Down From a Three-Year High

Florida Teacher Lauren Orban Might Lose Her Job Because Parents Are Awful

Lauren Orban is a music teacher at a Bradenton elementary school in Manatee County. She's at the center of a debate there that could end up costing her career: She wrote on Facebook that "I'm fairly convinced that one of my students may be the evolutionary link between orangutans and humans," you se ... More >>

West Palm Beach, Fort Lauderdale Make Cut of Most Overpriced City

​If you need affirmation that West Palm Beach is too rich rich for your blood, Forbes has you covered. Using a semiscientific method that accounted for things like housing affordability, the cost-of-living index, and median salaries for college grads, the magazine produced a list of ... More >>

The Dewars/Re-Doers: Download Everything!

Jose Fores said it perfectly when he wrote that The Dewars' "Toys Boise The Noise" makes us miss those two weirdos so much. St. Augustine is but a road trip away, but that's still about 272 miles from being able to watch their next move.Luckily, we already know the Pent Up Joy is still in the w ... More >>

Justin Bieber Life-Sized Cutout Stolen by 23-Year-Old Florida Man, Cops Say

Manatee County Sheriff's OfficeDavid Dowling​Apparently "Bieber Fever" can drive a person to steal a life-sized cutout of the pint-sized pop singer from a Manatee County mall.According to a police report from the Manatee County Sheriff's Office, 23-year-old David Dowling and a friend took the cuto ... More >>

Baseball and Brews: Beer Sampling and Game at Roger Dean Stadium Saturday

​What's a George Steinbrenner without a Billy Martin or a Tom Glavin without A Greg Maddux? Probably like a baseball game without beer.You can assure a happy marriage of the two Saturday night at Roger Dean Stadium in Jupiter, when Baseball and Brews comes to the same field that hosts the popular ... More >>

Guns Online: No Permit Needed

The Latest Foreclosure Fallout Could Further Mangle The Legal System

The law offices of David J. Stern will close at the end of the month.​As of about a week ago, the law offices of David J. Stern and the affiliated document processing company, DJSP, are slated to close at the end of the month, but for one of the largest foreclosure firms in the country, closing is ... More >>

Gays Still Can't Marry in Florida, but Straights Sure Can Divorce

flickr.com​Though certain Florida politicians would have you believe they are dutifully "protecting" marriage with laws preventing gay people from legally marrying, a new list of America's 50 Divorce Capitals has more cities from the Sunshine State than anywhere else.The website, The Daily Beast, ... More >>

South Florida's Hey Monday and VersaEmerge Add a Female Kick to Warped Tour

Vans Warped Tour

Marco Rubio Has Risen With Lightning Speed, but Conservatives Alone Can't Carry Him to the White House

Sen. Mike Bennett's Porntastic Day in State Senate Chamber

Apparently, Sen. Mike Bennett's friends send him nudie pictures, which are to be opened only on the floor of the Florida Senate, while Dan Gelber is talking about an abortion bill. Bennett, a Republican from Bradenton, clicked off the image immediately.Then he turned on some dog porn, it appears. Or ... More >>

Chinese Drywall Has Left Tens of Thousands of Homeowners Out of Options

Schoolkids, State Workers: You're All Under the Bus for Tax-Shy Legislature

Our Florida legislators have some budget-cutting to do, but they also need to improve the state's education system, which is fast becoming a national embarrassment. This will take some creativity. Republicans, as the majority party, you're up.flhouse.govAdam HasnerAdam Hasner, Republican from Delray ... More >>

Hog Huntin'

A lost art or a horrible slaughter? It's all in the eye of the hunter.

10-S-N-E-1?

Pay Through the Nose

Green Eyeshade Award Winners

Last Night: We The Kings, Metro Station, the Cab, and Cobra Starship at the Culture Room

Eyeball to Eyeball

Ten Tons of Smackdown and You

Car Club Crazy

The South Florida Dubs go scrapingly low

We the Kings

Slick Trouble

The government's determination to deport old-school rapper Slick Rick knows no bounds

Body Abandoned Girl's Mom

It's The Work, Stupid

Spam Meets Smunk

Pee Wee Ellis

Misery & Clemency

Or, 1,200 highway miles, ten days, nine baseball teams, six stadiums, five games, steroids, and a funeral

Entrapped

Hollywood police used a Bahamian Casanova to set up Valarie Curry

Grand Slammers Hothouse

In South Florida, tennis champs seem to grow like weeds, thanks to extraordinary coaches like Rick Macci

The Rise and Fall of the Hallmark Kid

By age ten Ryan Lipner was managing his father’s Hallmark store. So how did this would-be greeting card tycoon end up in jail before his 18th birthday?

In Search of the Mach Turtle

A reporter tags along as a South Florida PI searches for a missing trawler in Cuba, then finishes the job by battling with the boat's owner