Alton Brown Writes a Fanifesto: His Guidelines for Fans

Alton Brown will not sing "Happy Birthday" on tape -- is he tone-deaf?
Alton Brown will not sing "Happy Birthday" on tape -- is he tone-deaf?
Food Network

Alton Brown of Good Eats and various other Food Network shows has written a "Fanifesto" on his blog,, and it's a sometimes comical look into what happens when average citizens turn into celebrities (which happens a lot, given that there are really no stars on television, thanks in part to the Cooking Channel, Bravo, and Food Network).

In the Fanifesto, Brown says that he's different from a real star like George Clooney (in many ways). You wouldn't waltz up to Clooney and expect him to make a YouTube video singing "Happy Birthday" to your grandmother in Kalamazoo.  But you would with a D-lister like Brown.

The making of a birthday video, by the way, is off-limits to Brown (we

guess that he does, somewhere, have some sense of pride).

Also off-limits, according to the Fanifesto, is

talking to Brown while you're both in a public restroom, asking him to

talk to someone on the phone, taking cell phone pictures (because no one

but you knows how to work a cell phone camera), blocking his

path (his lizard brain will kick in), and taking pictures of his family

(who didn't sign up for the fame game and are still considered average citizens like you and me).

What can you do with/to Alton Brown? Apparently, a lot.


can take a picture with him, ask him to autograph anything but your

body or your hamster, make a fan website devoted to him (creepy), draw

him a picture, or bake him a nice pie.  However if you ask him for $12

for the pie, you'll probably get stiffed because he rarely carries cash.

Our advice? Bill him via PayPal.

Read theFanifesto for yourself here.

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