I was stoked when my editor threw this little gem of an assignment into my lap: Boca Raton-based DNA Energy Drink is searching for Miss DNA 2011, which means that I get to thumb through multiple indexes of relatively attractive women as part of my research process. At least that's the story I'm using if my roommate happens to walk in on me researching in the dark.
According to its website, DNA Energy Drink was formed by a group of individuals "just like me," which makes me terrified of what exactly these guys do in their off time. On the other hand, they've certainly got their branding down: The DNA logo resembles an amalgamation of a Motörhead album cover, tattoo-style star graphics, and a double-helix structure from middle-school biology. They also sponsor BMX riders, skaters, and surfers and have been featured on the Bubba the Love Sponge radio show, so it looks like they are targeting aggro dudes and the action sports crowd. And like every other energy-drink company with a spokesmodel, DNA has figured out that sex sells.
After scientifically studying the sample photo that DNA sent with the
contest announcement, I came to a few conclusions. The ideal Miss DNA
should probably be a young, slender blond with a
tramp stamp. In addition, this woman must be comfortable wearing skimpy
two-piece bathing suits and a plethora of tight-fitting baby-doll T's
with the DNA logo, which she'll be modeling at live events.
Applicants who would like to become the new spokesmodel, AKA Miss DNA 2011, should:
-- be at least 18 years old.
-- be a Florida resident.
-- write a paragraph on why you should be Miss DNA 2011, including details on any promotional experience you may have, and
-- send two pictures to wow the marketing team.
Now, regarding the actual beverage itself... If I didn't have to travel
across town to a dozen convenience stores to find one that stocks DNA
Energy Drink, I might be more inclined to tell you about its intense
citrus flavor. I might also be inclined to mention how DNA Energy Drink
took top honors in the Energy division of the 2010 World Beverage
Competition, hailed as "the next level in energy drinks; making great
taste as a priority." Like all things that are good, though, DNA is just
out of my reach unless I plan on ordering it online or driving for
hours looking for it like a mystical Sonic Drive-In in Broward County
that does not exist.
DNA also manufactures Shred Stix, a dried-beef product in stick
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form, and DNA brand beef jerky, but alas, both were also as elusive as
the aforementioned energy drinks.
Those interested in applying should visit DNA's website (http://www.dnabeveragecorp.com/index.php/news/359-become-miss-dna-2011) and email application materials to email@example.com. The deadline for applying is December 20.
On a similar note, I am recently single and also taking applications.