The junk that most of us jam into drawers, stash in a closet, or haul off to one of those DIY storage facilities, never to be seen or used again, could probably outfit a small Latin American nation. Our kitchens are the worst, full of worthless gadgets that slice! dice! and collapse in a pile of cheap plastic shrapnel after five minutes of use.
For the Kitchen Junkpile Hall of Shame, Charlie nominates...
Avocado Slicer-Pitter. Let me get this straight: You need a $10 tool to slice through a fruit that's softer than warm butter? And a sort of metal lasso-type thingie to remove the pit? Are you a full 'tard or just a dimwit? If you can't disassemble an avocado with a sharp knife and basic motor skills, you don't deserve to eat one.
Let's say you smoked a couple of rocks, downed a fifth of XO, ate a tab
or two of ecstasy, and really, really had to have a perfectly uniform
slice of tomato. Well, Jim, this is just the gadget for you. Just jab
the prongs into the tomato, then take your knife and slice between...
Oops, was that a finger?
Voice-Alert Thermometer. Why not announce to the whole world (or
at least your dinner guests) that you're a certified kitchen moron? You
know, cuz you can't remember to set a timer or check the oven every
once in awhile. Programmed to say, "Hey, nimwit, you're burning the
roast!" or "You can't serve raw chicken, idiot!"
Electric Peppermill and Salt Grinder.
I know you. You drive a block to the corner market and waste half a
tank of gas looking for a parking space. Actually twisting the little
top of a grinder is so hard. Exhausting too. If you can afford to
spend $45 for one of these breakdowns about to happen, you've got too
Electric Garlic Roaster. You gotta
love the American consumer mentality: Spend 50 bucks to roast a dollar's
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worth of garlic when a couple of pennies in aluminum foil and the heat
from an oven already roasting something else can do the job easier and
better. But just think, you can store this piece of crap next to your
collection of Ginsu knives.