Five Wines You Should Never Drink
Between hellish commutes, annoying coworkers, manic bosses, managing bills, and just the overall workings of being a mature adult, sometimes you just need a break.
Sometimes you just need to tune it all out with a glass of wine at the end of the day.
While it's not exactly the healthiest way to deal with the stresses of life, there are days when it's a near-necessity to walk in the front door and seek out the nearest bottle of wine.
You tell yourself it's all about the dinner pairing, right?
Hey, that works as long as your not drinking crap.
Luckily for you, we set our inner wine snob free and compiled a list of five wines you should never drink -- ever -- to steer you in the right direction.
Although we might derail your afterwork plans, you'll thank us in the long-run, hopefully.
5. Box O' Wine
Look, we've heard that some winemakers are making boxed wines that are supposedly decent enough to sip, but we have yet to personally experience drinkable boxed wine. A favorite drink of broke sorority girls and backpackers across the world, the only reason anyone drinks the bag is because it's as cheap as shit. Sure, it's a more environmentally friendly way of packaging wine; and yes, it does prevent oxidation, which is a good thing, but it's all mass produced crap that tastes like a combination of lighter fluid and grape-juice. Seriously. Do yourself a favor and stick to Two Buck Chuck instead.
4. Any Wine That Comes From a Six-Pack
You might be wondering why we're hating on six-packs right now. Beer comes in six-packs, and beer is awesome, right? Yes, you are correct, we love ourselves a six-pack of brew; but wine, no. Those little bottles of wine that you pick up from your nearest 7-11 in small packages of six are convenient, sure, however, it's not good wine. And carrying around those pocket sized plastic bottles will make you look like you have a problem, not a a refined palate. Put the mini-bottles down unless you really need to get drunk on the fly -- and seek some help immediately.
3. Wine Coolers
Arbor Mist sounds lovely as does that bucolic place known as Boones Farm. Even though these products have the wine varietals on the label like "merlot" and our favorite "white zinfandel," they are not, in fact, wine. From from the lowest quality grapes available and mixed with fruit juice, carbonation, and sugar, these fizzy drinks are made for teenagers looking to catch a buzz. If you're not 17, you should not be drinking strawberry wine.
2. Wine Made From Anything Other Than Grapes
While we're on the subject of fruit in wine, people love wine because grapes are influenced by the world around: picking up notes and aromas from the ground in which their grown, the amount of sun that hits the fruit during the growing season, the level of humidity in the area. Fine wine is like a metaphor for life, each final product is deeply influenced by the environment in which it was raised. Wine can contain flavors ranging from cherry and raspberry to lemon and orange blossom to vanilla and leather. Raspberry wine tastes like raspberries; carambola wine tastes like carambola; cherry wine tastes like, you guessed, cherries; you get the point. Put down the alcoholic guava juice and head to a wine store, stat.
1. White Zinfandel
This sickly sweet pink concoction is consumed by those who don't like wine, and Bill Murrray. Bill Murray does whatever the hell he wants, and you are not Bill Murray. Do not drink this terrible liquid that is technically classified as wine. It's made from the lowest quality grapes that have been rejected from winemakers who actually care about churning out a respectable product; the saccharine flavors mask any of the subtlety that makes wine, well, wine. We're not saying we never dabbled in the world of white zins, however, we stopped as soon as we turned, like, 18. If you're past the age where you drink wine just to get drink, stop drinking this sugary syrup, now.
Follow Sara Ventiera on Twitter, @saraventiera.
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