Ethical Eating

Got the Shakes? New Lame Milk Commercial Forgets Its Origins

The California Milk Processor Board, the people responsible for giving us those ad campaigns in which sexy, hot celebrities like Angelina Jolie, Taylor Swift, and Kermit the Frog (do frogs drink milk?) pose with milk mustaches, has done it again.

This time, it's going after milk alternatives made from soy, almonds, and coconuts. Apparently it can't go after these substitutes with claims of being healthier or tastier, because it's going after something much more visceral and scary -- the fact that you have to shake the cartons of soy milk before you drink the contents. No... really!

In its new commercial, titled "Shake," a little boy has a nightmare about a monster. In the middle of the night, he tells his mom all about it as she goes about preparing something soothing for him -- some warm milk, perhaps?  But there's only Alternative Milk in the fridge. As he describes the creature about to eat him in his dreams, Mom's milk-shaking turns into something that best resembles a convulsion, scaring the living daylights out of her son. Lesson learned? Almond milk is literally demon seed? We're not sure. But we do know this...

Real milk (you know, the kind that comes from cows) needs to be shaken.

Now, we're not talking about the crap that the California Milk

Processor Board markets to supermarkets. We're talking about the non-homogenized kind that comes with the cream on top. The kind that I

remember (vaguely) delivered in glass bottles by a friendly man back

when I was a toddler.

By the way, how do you mix that cream back into the milk? You stir it. Or, better yet -- shake it.


Florida, raw milk that comes straight from the cow before

being pasteurized and homogenized is illegal for human consumption. It

can, however, be sold for pet consumption (which means that apparently

we do care more about our dogs than ourselves).

One such place where you (uh, Fido) can buy non-homogenized milk is from Heritage Hen Farm

in Boynton Beach. You know what Heritage Hen Farm calls it? Real milk.

Though the farm is closed to the public until May, they sell their

wares every Saturday at the Delray  Greenmarket.

Just don't shake that milk in front of freaked-out little kids. Or else this will happen:

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Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times, covering the restaurant and bar scene in South Florida. She has been featured on Cooking Channel’s Eat Street and Food Network’s Great Food Truck Race. Doss won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature on what it’s like to wait tables. In a previous life, she appeared off-Broadway and shook many a cocktail as a bartender at venues in South Florida and New York City. When she’s not writing, you can find Doss running some marathon then celebrating at the nearest watering hole.
Contact: Laine Doss