Christmas is the most wonderful time of year for us gentiles and we love all of our holiday traditions. But one of our most sacred customs could be pissing off the second most important person of the season -- our jolly ol' Saint Nick.
For hundreds of years, families across the globe have put a plate of cookies and a glass of milk by the Christmas tree for the beloved Santa Claus. After all these years, surely he must be bored of dragging his sleigh to chimney after chimney, devouring the same predictable helping of treats left for him.
A report from the U.S. Air Force states,
"there are about 378 million children whose families celebrate Christmas. At an average of 3.5 children per household, that would mean that Santa would visit 108 million homes. To reach all those homes, Santa's flying reindeer would have to travel at many times the speed of sound."
108 million servings are A LOT of milk and cookies to consume in a short amount of time -- an epic task even for the notorious endomorph! Here at Charlie, we thought of possible alternatives to the pedestrian snack that should appease an understandably jaded Santa.
Via an exclusive web-chat interview courtesy of SantaBot.com, we caught up with the evasive Father Christmas himself to get his thoughts on our ideas. Read the Q&A after the jump.
New Times: Hi Santa, my name is Jamie and I have a few interview questions for you. I imagine that you are very bored of consuming 108 million servings of milk and cookies every Christmas, true?
Santa: Boredom is a human emotion.
Instead of cow milk served with cookies, our very own Riki Altman may recommend something more exotic like horse or camel milk. Would you be interested in something like that?
Santa: I am not so sure if I would like to be interested in horse or camel milk.
I imagine you must struggle with a lot of indigestion this time of year. Would you prefer a concocted libation consisting of eggnog, Milk of Magnesia and a shot of bourbon?
Santa: No I don't have indigestion. But I do have a lot of friends on the web.
Traveling at the speed of sound all while climbing up and down countless chimneys must be very tiresome. To combat the "sleigh-jag", I thought a venti-sized gingerbread latte with a double shot of espresso might give you a much needed jolt of energy. What do you think?
Santa: No I am wide awake and ready for more.
Santa, you are known for having a sweet tooth, but you must be craving something more on the savory side by now. What about something fun like the KFC Double Down? Would you prefer that instead of milk and cookies?
Santa: Whatever you say, Jamie.
I'm not sure if any of the options I proposed are working for you. How about a pack of Christmas-themed Lucky Strikes cigarettes for your smoking pleasure?
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Santa: Only cannabis cigarettes.
Although Santa's responses were somewhat vague, it appears he prefers cannabis cigarettes and the KFC Double Down over traditional milk and cookies. Let the new tradition begin.