January 4, 2011 | 11:19am
Remember Timothy Treadwell? He loved grizzly bears so much, and was such a whack job, that he decided to live with them in the Alaskan wilderness. One summer, this one big-ass bear got a little, well, bear-y, and ate Treadwell and his girlfriend right up.
Now, that's probably not going to happen with James Jablon (this guy
), a Florida man who is living with lions for a month and says he will even eat what they eat in order to raise money for his animal sanctuary. Then again, have you ever seen a cat once it knows there's a mouse in the room? Cat gonna sit there and wait. Cat got all day
. And cat's hungry
. Mouse rarely gets away.
At any rate, it stands to reason that old J.J. there isn't going to be grilling steaks in the enclosure or chowing down on chicken. You know what your cat acts like when you're eating fish -- how would you like him to weigh 300 pounds as he's clawing you?
J.J.'s gonna have to eat carefully in there. He'll need to stick to foods that
cats fuckin' hate.
1. Shitty cat food.
Most cats are finicky eaters. They won't touch the Winn-Dixie brand. If J.J. avoids fancy treats like Sheba and just soaks some dry generic kibbles in water and chokes 'em down, he might be OK.
2. A month of salads.
Smartest way to go. Cats avoid lettuce and tomatoes. Skip anchovies. Croutons are fine. Unless lions like croutons. Then he's dead.
3. Nothing but Waldorf salad.
Raisins, mayonnaise, apples, walnuts, and marshmallows? Seems safe enough. Cat no likey.
4. The PBJ route.
Cat's ain't big on carbs. Skippy-n-Smuckers should keep J.J. in one piece. And if he sticks a sammy in the lion's mouth, it may make its mouth all sticky and therefore unable to bite off arms or legs.
5. Citrus only.
Most cat stay-away sprays contain essence of lemon and/or orange. This is probably the safest path for J.J. to take. Of course, he won't be able to look at a Valencia for the rest of his life. If he survives the month, that is.
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