Putting the Whoop in Whoopie: Aphrodisiac Foods for Valentines

Putting the Whoop in Whoopie: Aphrodisiac Foods for Valentines

In the days when "modern medicine" meant bleeding, leeches and sacrifices of small animals, there was no little blue pill to turn a limp noodle into a Large and Terrible Shaft of Rigid, Throbbing Steel. So our primitive ancestors had to rely on more, ah. . .. natural means to vanquish the law of penile gravity or the, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache," dodge. 

There are many foods that over the centuries have been said to be aphrodisiacs, and though some of these claims cannot be confirmed by contemporary science, science can't explain Glenn Beck, either. Therefore, as a pre-Valentine's Day public service, Charlie has compiled a brief list of culinary aphrodisiacs, most of which are available at your local Publix. 

Not that you would need them, of course. But your friend might. 

Oysters. You don't need to be a cunning linguist to look at a

freshly shucked oyster and think it looks like. . . you know. After all,

Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, rose out of the sea on an oyster

shell, and oysters are known to be high in zinc, a key element in the

production of testosterone. 

Chocolate. Believers in the

lustful properties of chocolate range from the GFs of Sex and the City

to the ancient Aztecs. In fact, Montezuma, that rockin' ruler, was said

to drink up to 50 cups of chocolate a day to better satisfy his harem of

600 (!) women, which makes you wonder why Hershey isn't producing


Honey. A lot of historical evidence here too.

Hippocrates allegedly prescribed honey to sweeten up Athenians' love

lives. And Attila the Hun, not exactly a sweetheart of a guy, was said

to have drunk himself to death on the stuff not long after his marriage,

giving new meaning to the word "honeymoon." 


Lentils? Yes, lentils. Old Hippocrates, who apparently had sex on the

brain, also recommended these humble legumes to keep lead in manly

pencils. Aristotle supposedly did too. Ditto the ancient Egyptians,

perhaps one reason why ancient Egyptian women sent their menfolk off to

build all those pyramids. 

Avocados. Going back to 200

B.C., the Aztecs called the avocado "ahuacuatl," which translates as

"testicle tree" for two fairly obvious reasons, and thought its soft,

creamy flesh had just the opposite effect on their own. Interestingly,

"avocado" resembles the word for "lawyer" in French and Italian, though

its true translation is probably "prick."

Bananas. If

oysters are suggestive of female anatomy, this tropical fruit is equally

suggestive of "the package." An Islamic tale indicates that Adam and

Eve covered their naughty parts with banana leaves rather than fig

leaves, likely giving rise to the saying, "Is that a banana in your

pants or are you just glad to see me?"

Follow Clean Plate Charlie Facebook on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.

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