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Your Miami Dolphins are set to kickoff the 2014 season this Sunday against the New England Patriots.
And, if you haven’t noticed, there have been a few changes around here. The team finally came around to realizing how much Jeff Ireland sucks and hired a new guy who comes from the Tampa Bay Bucs, who have a long stored tradition of not having awesome draft classes.
But the main focus on the Dolphins have been their off-the-field issues.
But Bullygate is behind us. And now it’s time to look ahead to new beginnings.
Things are changing! Maybe. Probably. OK, well, we’re not entirely sure.
The thing is, this team is a complete mystery. But let’s take a gander at the new season anyway. Because stronger together and all that.
OK. New era. Jeff Ireland is gone. New GM. New offensive coordinator. Let’s do this!!
FUCK YEA!!
FUCK YEA!!
Woo!
Woo.
Yea.
Yup.
/nods
OK… so tell us about the new and improved and ready to dent major ass Dolphins!
Well…. we have a new offensive coordinator now!
YES!
Bill Lazor. He comes from Chip Kelly’s crazy wide-open offense in Philly.
NICE! What weapons did they get Tannehill to throw to??
Uh. Well. None, really.
What badass skull-banger is going to block for him?
Uh… Hrm…
Well, what stud granite-head running back is he going to be handing off to?
I… um…. huh.
What super athletic Gronk-like tight end will he be throwing touchdowns to?
…..
What are you saying? Who did they draft this year with their first pick?
An offensive lineman.
MOTHER FUC$%$^&%$!!!1ERRR!!!
Sorry.
OK. Fine. I guess we’ll have to live with Harline and Wallace. But the good news is that we can finally move past that bullying scandal now. The Dolphins are back to being all about football!
Well…
Oh god. What?
Mike Pouncey was sued for getting into a fight at a nightclub on his birthday. Dion Jordan was suspended for PEDs and so was Reshad Jones.
Oh.
And Pouncey also had to delete his Twitter after making a homophobic-like joke about Michael Sam.
Oh Jesus. Make it stop.
No, that’s it.
Oh. Good.
No. Wait. The Dolphins also made headlines for firing a long-time scout.
Oh. So? He probably sucked at his job.
Actually, he was fired because he took time off to take care of his wife who has cystic fibrosis.
Guh.
Don Jones also got into trouble for making a homophobic comment on Twitter.
DID ANYTHING GOOD FOOTBALL-WISE HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM?
Let’s see… Oh yea. They hired Dan Marino!
Oh great! What’s his role with the team?
Nobody has a clue.
What.
Also, the Leadership Council is back!
Oh yea? OK, ok…
Yup. And Mike Pouncey is on it!
Same guy who allegedly got into a fight at a night club?
Uh huh!
And still swears Aaron Hernandez is innocent?
Yep!
And was forced to delete his Twitter account over dumb comments?
That’s the one!
OK… can we please get to the football part of this preview? I’m about ready to flag down a bus so I can slam by balls with its doors.
Well… let’s see…. We’re entering Ryan Tannehill’s third year. So, that’s something.
Yes, but WHO THE HELL IS HE THROWING THE FOOTBALL TO?
Well, yes, he still has the same guys from last year. And the offensive line is still in shambles. And, yea, he’s probably going to die. But Bill Lazor is bringing in his offense, which is a HUGE improvement from Mike Sherman, who called plays like old people screw.
Have Tannehill and Wallace fixed their long-ball problems?
All indications point to no. But that doesn’t mean diddly-jack until the actual games are played. And, again, Bill Lazor. Of course, all this is pending on if Tannehill can finally break through and if the offensive line can keep him from being decimated.
Also, Lazor’s presence can’t be overstated. He’s all about moving things along, getting the flow of the offense moving, and not calling plays from 1827 when Mike Sherman first broke into the league.
Yea. I suppose that’s something.
Exactly! So, buck up!
But we’re hanging our hopes on a coach, not a player. That can’t be good.
This is true. Which is why we’re probably in for yet another long season.
Dickmugs
What?
Dick. Mugs. I. Say.
Oh. Right. Dickmugs, indeed.
Hurumph.
The good news is our defense looks really good.
Oh?
Yea. Cam Wake is still a monster that will mash quarterback’s skulls, and Olvier Vernon looks like the one player Jeff Ireland actually hit on. The Dolphins pass rush is going to be sneaky good, which is huge in this pass-happy league.
NOW YOU GOT ME EXCITED AGAIN. DID I SAY DICK MUGS? I MEANT, FINS UP!!!!!
However…
Oh no. Now what?
The linebackers are pretty shitty.
WHY.
Philip Wheeler can’t stay with anyone, which means tight ends are going to turn him into a burning heap of charred flesh week to week. And Koa Misi is still a guy who plays for this team that people refuse to see is not all that great.
But the DBs look decent again, so that’s something.
So… prediction?
We’re gonna go with 8-8.
That’s exactly how they finished last year.
Yup.
So, basically, no improvement. Even with this Bill Lazor guy on board.
Nope.
Dickmugs.
Dickmugs.
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