Six Moments That Make the Miami Dolphins-New York Jets Rivalry So Heated

Remember all those trivial things that seemed so important to you as a kid? Yeah, those things don’t matter much anymore. Adulting is hard, and the bigger responsibilities in life tend to push out all the nonsense that got us riled up as children.

But hating the New York Jets, who the Dolphins play at 8:25 p.m. Saturday in New Jersey, is something we took with us and refuse to let go of. Hatred for the Jets is like our favorite childhood blanket, only instead of cotton or yarn, this blanky was once knitted with unrealized dreams and extinguished hopes.

If anything, as adults we hate the New York Jets even more than we did as innocent kids. The hatred has only grown as the memories stack on top each other. Think of it as a tsunami of hate built up over the years that is not so unlike that which you would feel toward a deadbeat father.

OK, that might be overstating the degree to which Miami Dolphins fans hate the New York Jets, but it’s close.

Maybe you’re not aware of why the Jets-Dolphins rivalry is so intense. Maybe you’ve forgotten why it is you really hate the Jets. Either way, let’s take a trip down memory lane and remember why the Jets-Dolphins rivalry is so heated.

1. The Jets take Ken O’Brien over Dan Marino in the 1983 NFL draft

They hate us because they ain’t us. The Jets could have had all the football sex that was Dan Marino’s NFL career, but they decided, Nah, we’re good on that. He may have smoked weed once! The dummy Jets’ loss was the savvy Dolphins’ gain, and the rest went down in history. Marino threw 292 more touchdowns than O’Brien, so basically it was a wash.

2. December 22, 1991

A day that will live in infamy for Miami Dolphins fans. With the last wild-card berth on the line in the last regular-season game of the year, the Dolphins were up 20-17 with 44 seconds left; then shit hit the fan. Ken O’Brien led the Jets down the field, and Raul Allegre hit the game-tying field goal from 44 yards. In overtime, Allegre hit a game-winning 30-yarder that put the Jets in the playoffs and put the Dolphins’ happy asses on a plane headed to wherever they planned to vacation that offseason.

3. The Fake Spike

On November 27, 1994, Dan Marino and the Dolphins’ offense frantically tried to get in line for a game-tying field goal with just eight seconds left. With no timeouts left, everyone figured Marino would just spike the ball so the kicker could trot on the field to tie the game.

NOPE! DAN MARINO SNEAK ATTACK, BITCHES.

Marino rose from center and fired a back-shoulder bullet to a wide-open Mark Ingram for a touchdown and a 28-24 win over the Jets. E-A-T I-T, JETS!

4. The Monday Night Miracle

On October 23, 2000, the Dolphins held a 30-7 lead over the Jets entering the fourth quarter. By the time the quarter was over, all the Dolphins were left holding was their dicks in one hand and a giant-size, nationally televised “L” in the other. Vinny Testaverde capped the comeback with a tackle-eligible touchdown pass to Jumbo Elliott and then blah, blah, blah, John Hall kicked a 40-yard field goal in overtime to win it blah, blah, blah, let’s stop talking about this.

5. Captain Balls sticks it to his old team for the AFC East title

On December 28, 2008, Chad Pennington — who had been released earlier in the season when the Jets traded for Brett Favre (LOL) — had a chance to stick it directly to his old team and in the process clinch the AFC East for the Fins. Pennington indeed stuck it to the Jets with a massive 22-for-30, 200-yard, two-touchdown game in the Dolphins’ 24-17 win. The win gave the Dolphins an AFC East title and the Jets a one-way ticket on the L-train destined for Offseasonville.

6. Rex Ryan versus Channing Crowder

Back in June of 2009, Jets head coach Rex Ryan and Dolphins linebacker (and now 560 WQAM radio host) Channing Crowder — both known for being good talkers — got into a war of words.

Yes, JUNE.

“The only thing I can say is, and let’s see if he can top this one, I’ve walked over tougher guys going to a fight than Channing Crowder,” Ryan said of Crowder. “I don’t know this Channing Crowder. All I know is that he’s all tatted up, so I guess I ought to be nervous about him.”

Ryan also claimed Crowder was wrong when he said Ryan should chill out because nothing is won in June, later saying that if he were younger, “I’d probably handle him myself.”

Crowder, of course, shot back.

“I’d have beat the hell out of that big old joker,” Crowder told the Herald. “Or if he really wants to get retro, my daddy or my uncle could have handled him. Don’t get big. Win with preparation? Start watching some tape and learn who your rival is. Come on now.”