Audio By Carbonatix
Guys, we have to admit it. We felt sort of bad calling you out in our last post, pegging you as a collection of one-dimensional stereotypes rather than fully exploring your deeper complexity, the subtle nuances that really make you you. The truth is, as much as we like to box you into categories and poke fun at you, we really do appreciate you. Plus, let’s face it: Fort Laudy gals aren’t exactly perfect either.
That’s why, to level the playing field a little, we figured it’s only fair we take a moment to recognize an equally special subset of the South Florida dating world. Ladies, you’re not off the hook. So here you have them, the eleven 954 women you’ve probably dated, dumped, or are currently talking to.
See also: Ten Fort Lauderdale Guys You’ve Probably Dated
11. The Rockabilly Tattoo Girl
She was getting the final touches on her left arm full sleeve, and you were having your 1997 tribal transformed into a koi fish. She smiled at you and asked you your name over the pummeling of the tattoo gun. Next time you saw her at the Monterey Club, it was certain your tats would touch. Her inked Bettie Page appeal made your knees weak. And though she was soft-spoken and sweet as a milk shake, when in the presence of your ex, she fought like a shark in bloody water. One day, you came home from work and received the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. You’ll never forget her, because you still have her name inked on your thigh.
10. The Palm Beach Socialite
You met her at a charity gala at the Fort Lauderdale Museum of Art. She was almost constantly surrounded by a wall of men stumbling to bring her champagne drinks and women telling her how skinny she was. But the two of you locked eyes at the same auction item, and the rest was history. She seemed together, caring, and passionate — virtual wifey material. But things began to unravel until all of her best qualities seemed to turn on you: She was actually unbearably type A, clingy, and just a smidge nutso. She never ate anything but salad with dressing on the side; you can’t trust that.
9. The Kickball Queen
She seemed to suddenly appear in your circle of friends during a new season of WAKA kickball, and the two of you grew closer with each game. At the Dicey Riley’s afterparties each week, she consistently matched you shot for shot and could rattle off sports stats faster than any of your bros. She was aggressive, competitive, and unashamed to burp in public, and she was also constantly hinting at her prowess at certain other physical activities.
After three weeks, she finally went home with you, but on this night, she’d matched you one shot too many. A sloppy session was followed by three hours of her locked in your bathroom before she sneaked away in a cab at the crack of dawn. She was way too embarrassed to ever call you, and of course you never called her. She dropped out of your kickball team, but a few weeks later, she resurfaced on another team — she had successfully infiltrated another group of bros.
See also: Five Reasons Fort Lauderdale’s Young Professionals Play WAKA Kickball
8. The Woman on Top
She’s beautiful, powerful, and completely self-sufficient. She also has a very regimented life plan — you either fall in line or get run over. She gave you a chance, she really did. And for a while, you humored her. You let her pick out your outfits, limit your bro visits to once a week, and put you on a strict diet and fitness routine. It was kind of sexy getting bossed around so much. Plus, you had to admit, you really were looking good those days.
But her high-paced, stressed-out lifestyle started to rub off on you, and the fact that she was always working so hard made you start to question if maybe you weren’t working hard enough. You’re a free spirit, you started to tell yourself as you lay awake at night. You don’t need another mom; you need a minx who will let you be you, love you for exactly who you are, and make you hearty, delicious meals. When you broke the news, she laughed in your face and then dumped all your clothes in the pool and keyed your car.
7. The Girl Who’s Always Down
You met her at Fat Cat’s closing in on 2 a.m. She was wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt with rolled booty shorts and a pair of tattered Havaianas. She downed a shot and lit up another cigarette. And you were instantly drawn to her long, flowing locks, soothing voice, and chilled-out stoner-girl lifestyle. But things seemed to go south quickly after you realized she lacked more motivation than most — even you.
When she wasn’t blazing in the car before her shift at Friday’s, she was toking up with her brother and his friends at their apartment. Sure she’s hot, and she could definitely hold her own in a game of beer pong, but the fact that she could take a bigger bong hit than you and had absolutely no problem mixing liquor all night long and then scraping your bowl for buried resin treasures was a tell-tale sign of bigger problems.
6. The Boca Babe
She’s a daddy’s girl with an AMEX, a marketing or PR job, and a serious shopping addiction, but damn, does she look good in that minidress and those platforms. Your first date was at the iPic movie theater, where you bonded over a bottle of rosé and the latest Ryan Gosling movie. She was a picky eater, loud, and while her unbridled confidence, princess attitude, and constant demands started out kinda hot, you soon found yourself feeling more sorry and insecure than happy and fulfilled. When she’d already received a Tiffany’s bracelet, a Birkin bag, and a nose job from her parents and it was only the third night of Hanukkah, you accepted you could never measure up and called it quits.
5. The Promoter Girl
She roams the sidewalks of Riverwalk in fishnets, metallic booty shorts, and a ribboned bustier passing out wristbands and fliers for two-for-one drinks and “ladies free all night.” Of course, you didn’t know that when you met her at a mutual friend’s birthday party. Sure, there are certain perks to dating someone “in the biz”: She knows the bartenders at every joint from downtown to the beach, she can hook it up with bottles whenever your bros come into town, and she never asks you to come out with her girlfriends or if she can tag along — she’ll take any chance she can to get away from the nightlife scene.
The two of you began to drift when you simply couldn’t find the time to spend together. You were somewhat taken aback when, a couple of years later, it was Promoter Girl who walked in the door of your room at the ER sporting scrubs and a clipboard after you busted your head open stumbling around on Himmarshee.
4. The Beach Bum
Wild, sun-bleached locks, long, bronzed legs, sandy ass cheeks hanging out of her hot-pink bikini bottoms — what’s not to love? She was bent over a pinball machine at Blondies, casually sipping her Bud Light from her plastic cup. You eyed her from across the bar and eventually had enough beer in you to go over and talk to her.
The chemistry was there; you exchanged numbers and engaged in a prolonged text exchange before she mysteriously stopped responding. Then, after you tried calling and leaving a voice-mail, you were immediately sent a long text message filled with death threats. Apparently, Beach Bum had a boo, and he wasn’t exactly thrilled about your interaction, let alone your existence.
3. The Hot Topic Mallrat
Remember the good old days, when all it took to make a girl happy was to take her to the Oasis at the Sawgrass Mills Mall, hold her hand, and buy her a Cinnabon? You knew it was love when you realized you both had matching eyebrow piercings and shared all the same favorite mangas. She would pull your beanie cap over your bushy eyebrows lovingly, and you would kiss her on the nose and tell her she was your warrior princess. Sadly, she dumped you for a dude whose D&D skills far surpassed yours. Plus, he already had his driver’s license and a job bussing tables at the Steak and Shake, so he was miles ahead of you. Luckily, you grew up, but you never quite got over your Hot Topic mallrat… *sigh* >_
2. The Bachelorette Tourist
Tell-tale signs: satin sashes, blinking LED jewelry, penis straws, and swarms of girls in stilettos squealing about shots. It’s a bachelorette party at YOLO/Vibe, and you have absolutely no problem taking advantage of that situation. In fact, you’re kinda all about it. You picked out your biddy for the night and zoned in on her like a predator drone. It wasn’t hard to seal the deal. What you didn’t realize was that when she said she was from “out of town,” what she really meant was she made the 30-minute drive from her parents’ house in Coral Springs to come celebrate with her besties. You eventually stopped responding to her barrage of texts filled with unintelligible Emoji speak.
1. The Girl Who Got Out
You were never good enough, because Florida was never good enough for her. No matter how much fun you had together or how much you tried to plan for the future, for her, a loft apartment in Brooklyn or a studio in downtown L.A. was more of a priority than anything the two of you could possibly build together. Her aspirations for more, her passionate longing to get outta here and move onto the big city, was sort of inspiring and romantic, but mostly you looked at it as a failure on her part to see what was right in front of her eyes. Just like your state, you might have your faults, and sure, you’re a little freaky, but you’re also strangely lovable and warm all year ’round!
You blocked her on Facebook and deleted her from Instagram after her 80th picture of a sunset over a bridge and a skyline with a caption that read “Love my city!!!!!!!”
