A Change of Season

Technically, South Florida has two seasons: wet and dry. If you’re a woman, you get two more: Girl Scout Cookie and Firefighter Calendar, each delicious in its own right. You’ll be trading in your secret stash of Samoas for beefcakes tonight when the South Florida Firefighters make a cameo at Round Up (9020 W. St. Rd. 84, Davie). You, li´l darlin´, will be sipping on free ladies’ night drinks while the muscle-bound lifesavers stand around, shirtless, hoses in hand. Whooping and hollering will ensue.

They strike studly poses for this calendar every year, and every year it seems their chests get shinier and their dispositions register more longing. (Oh Mr. July, your eyes have such a sadness to them; let me help you heal!) You come out on top, looking like a good guy for buying the damn thing and then having them autograph it. See, calendar proceeds all go to charitable causes, like curing your sexual frustration, especially since renting a fireman suit for your boyfriend costs so darn much (and the axe is made of plastic – whatever). As an added bonus, after the firemen receive carpal tunnel from signing hundreds of calendars and are rendered incapable of ever again climbing a ladder, each will take turns hypnotizing you with his sweetest dance floor gyrations. By that time, you will most certainly have consumed enough free beer to shout something perverse. If you can’t come up with anything good on the fly, here’s a list of sexually charged words to get you started: pole, climb, ladder, dripping, heat, big red truck, raise, rescue, flames, resuscitate. Now go get your yearly fix. Call 954-423-1990, or visit www.roundupcountry.com.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Jamie Laughlin