A Plague of Santas

As a child, you found him suspicious. Why would a magical dude like Santa spend his days greeting children at shopping centers? Shouldn’t he be up in the North Pole, keeping tabs on those shifty little elves? “Where’s the quality control?” you asked.

It turns out that Santa can be anywhere he damn pleases, because he’s Santa. And tonight you’ll finally be joining him — or, rather, them. That’s right! It’s SantaCon: a holiday celebration that proves anyone can be Santa if they have a love for booze and excess. Santarchy has swooped down on other, hipper, cities for years, and tonight Fort Lauderdale gets a crack at the action. What is SantaCon you ask? It’s where throngs of cheerful Santas, bloated snowmen, free-style rapping dradles, slutty reindeer, and bitchy elves unite and roam Las Olas, searching for generous bartenders and adults to harass. Anyone can take part, as long as they’ve pledged to follow Santa’s clauses, including dressing up, bringing gifts, and avoiding making children cry by referring to your “magical sack.”

Proper Santas also know when to shut up. Considering this affair is not sanctioned by any organization, a few simple memorized phrases will allow everyone to continue enjoying their night. First: “How did you get here?” Answer: “Eight tiny reindeer.” Second: “Who’s in charge here?” Answer: “Santa.” Third: “What are you protesting?” Answer: Shitty holiday parties. Fourth: “Where are you going next?” Answer: “I’ll only tell you if you wear this hat and buy me a drink.” Santa’s power over the masses is mighty, so wield it wisely as you baffle and confound the Las Olas elite. Oh yeah, “ho ho ho.”

Meet up for SantaCon is at 7 p.m. at the Floridian (1410 E. Las Olas Blvd., Fort Lauderdale). Visit myspace.com/santaconfortlauderdale for rules, updates, and tips on where to buy the cheapest Santa suits.
Fri., Dec. 19, 2008

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Jamie Laughlin