A Whole Lotta What-Evs

Most fundraising affairs require something from you: training for a charity marathon, owning kicks with proper arch support for a walk-a-thon, or gently nodding off unnoticed while a monotone voice yammers on about “infectious plague this” and “genocide that.” Isn’t it time that a benefit gave something back to the people who need it most – namely, you?

Tonight it’s gonna happen. Because tonight, fuck it, you’re getting pancakes.

Hell, yeah. Miami’s only public school nightclub with private school drink prices, PS14 (28 NE 14th St., Miami), is getting all warm and sticky on Wednesday, when do-gooders (that’s you) scarf down syrupy pancakes and lots of music at The Whatever Jam: a heterogeneous cluster of clattering sounds, booty bass beats, and a whole lotta whatever. “We were gonna get a pony,” said one of the show’s promoters Miamigluethousandseven, but as will happen when livestock is involved, the pony thing fell through. “We might still get a dunking machine,” he said, “but that’s just part of the ‘whatever’ in the Whatever Jam.”

Since funds raised from the door and donations go straight to the Miami homeless shelter Camilla’s House, everyone in the 305 is getting involved. From Churchill’s favorites Boy Prostitute to a band that’s seen as rarely as a swarm of newly-hatched locusts, The Electric Bunnies, the music’s bound to pop hotter than the griddle cakes. It’s also your last scheduled chance to hear Capsule spit out the best of local hardcore before it goes gallivanting off on tour with Torche later this month. The Jam may even be your first chance to take a nice, needed soak with Miami’s newest garage rock band, the Jacuzzi Boys. But I know, I know – this sounds great for all of the Y-chromosomes, but what about the ladies? Oh, Whatever Jam scheduled a secret weapon just for the XX’s: José El Rey – Hialeah’s sexpert on bass-heavy, panty-dampening, song stylings. His hit romanthoms like “Are You Offended by my Sex (Pretty Baby)?” and “We are the Players; They are the Game” have become so popular locally that street buzz says he’s being considered for the honorary title Master of Ceremonies for next year’s Miami Dade County Youth Fair. And just think, you can see him tonight for only a five dollar donation.

The whole damn thing’s being put on by Movie Boy, I am Your Villain, and Miamigluethousandseven; all the loot is going to a great cause. You just have to show up, eat pancakes, listen to music, and possibly be seduced. It’s gonna ruin you for all future walk-a-thons. Whatever Jam starts at 10 p.m. Call 305-358-3600, or visit www.ps14.com.
Wed., Sept. 12, 10 p.m.

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Jamie Laughlin