Book On Down

And bring your autograph book

THU 11/17

Rock stars have the MTV awards. Performance artists have the Burning Man Festival. Stupid people get together whenever FEMA hosts an employment open house, and smart people have the Miami Book Fair.

We take that back. You don´t even need a high IQ to enjoy the gathering of 300-plus authors. Why, there´s a whole auditorium devoted to chick-lit, where you can meet Candace Bushnell, creator of the Sex and the City empire; Jennifer Weiner, who wrote Good in Bed; and TV host Lisa Ling, who has blessed libraries everywhere by penning Mother, Daughter, Sister, Bride, Rituals of Womanhood.

Thursday through Sunday, you can also meet Caribbean authors, Latino authors, poets, playwrights, and self-help gurus — like the guy who wrote This Book Is Not a Toy!: Friendly Advice on How to Avoid Death and Other Inconveniences. Literary A-listers include Goosebumps writer R.L. Stine, poet laureate Robert Pinsky, Vagina Monologues author Eve Ensler, crime writer Edna Buchanan, and Dana Adam Shapiro, who used to write for Spin and just made the movie Murderball. Maureen Dowd has RSVP´d, as have Dave Barry, Al Franken, Amy Tan, Andrea Mitchell, Joan Didion, and Terry McMillan. Hunker down at Miami Dade College (300 NE Second Ave., Miami). Call 305-237-3258, or visit — Deirdra Funcheon

Feed Your Booty

Who cares if your mind follows?

THU 11/17

Take the Y-100 catalog from 1985 (some old 2 Live Crew, a copy of ¨Diamond Girl,¨ and forgotten Miami bass), then pass it to Lords of Acid to mix a techno album, and voilà — you´ll have a general idea of what the ghettotech genre is all about. Soon after the addiction sets in, you´ll spend every Thursday night at E-bar (211 SW Second St., Fort Lauderdale), where DJs Uprokk and Wiz spin booty, bass, and ghetto-tech during ¨Galaxy Booty Nights.¨ Grab whatever cutie is standing next to you and dry-hump at 155 beats per minute to DJ Assault´s ¨Ass N´ Titties¨ or Disco D´s ¨Fuck Me on the Dance Floor.¨ The whole effect is like Liquid-Plumr for the brain, ensuring it´s free of toxic concerns like war, famine, or work on Friday. The party´s free and goes from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. Call 954-768-0840. — Deirdra Funcheon

Super Size This

Or, Honey, I Grew the Duck Derby

SAT 11/19

Everybody knows that carnival midway games are a scam, including that sweet-looking one where you pick a rubber duck from the water and see if it matches the ¨winning number.¨ It never does (there is no winning number!), and that stuffed hippopotamus remains caged in its booth for eternity. So accept it — you probably won´t win $1 million (no one will!) during the Duck Derby, when the Rotary Club sends 10,000 rubber ducks ¨racing¨ down the Intracoastal Waterway to Veterans Park (802 NE First St., Delray Beach). Still, with ¨adoption¨ costing just $5 a duck and funding scholarships for kids, this scam is worth blowing money on. Plus, like those hot carnies, it might be a cool sight to behold. Call 561-276-0137, or visit — Deirdra Funcheon

Required Readings

SAT 11/19

After detecting higher-than-usual vibrations on the event horizon, we checked with a source in the spirit world — a former Hill staffer with close ties to Dick Cheney — who confirmed: a Fall Psychic Fair will go down from noon to 6 p.m. at the Unitarian Fellowship House (1812 Roosevelt St., Hollywood). We´re predicting individualized readings ($10 a pop or $20 for three), a bake sale, and massages. Call 954-925-1917. — Deirdra Funcheon

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Deirdra Funcheon