“I’m Goin’a Break You, Boss”

It doesn’t matter if you can bench press fallen tree trunks or if you eat iron screws for breakfast. It’s totally futile, even if you’ve got a nickname like “The Axe Murderer” or “The Silent Assassin,” and you’ve earned it. You need to start practicing eating through a straw, because if you’re the unlucky bastard chosen to fight Miami’s own Kevin Ferguson – A.K.A. Kimbo Slice – your days are already numbered.

For those of you that aren’t familiar with Kimbo, just type his name into the search field on YouTube.com. What you’ll get is a dozen or more videos of shady, backyard fights, where Kimbo virtually slaughters his competitors with an instinctual aptitude for beating ass. It also doesn’t help that Kimbo looks like a cross between a Todd McFarlane villain and a prison rapist – he’s a huge mass of muscle and bone, with a bald-shaved head and a wiry, unkempt beard that screams mental instability. Just looking at him inspires pants-wetting, so you can bet that even veteran pitfighter David “Tank” Abbott will be trying not to make poop in his drawers when the two square off Saturday at the BankUnited Center (1245 Dauer Dr., Coral Gables). Tickets for the four fight card start at $39. Call 305-358-5885, or visit www.elitexc.com
Sat., Feb. 16, 2008

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John Linn