I’m Suddenly Very Hungry

Unexpectedly nestled below the Collins Ave. Howard Johnson’s (8701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach ) is a cave-like, basement day spa, overflowing with rotund Russians in swimming trunks shuffling through its lobby. Just to the right of the “Tantra Room,” a middle-aged woman is painting her own walls a bright pink shade – similar to the color of a box of Jordan Almonds. This Tuesday, Mara Tirado is opening Risqué Business Bakery and Café, which just may replace the area’s chi chi eateries as the new “It Spot” for ladies who lunch -- by serving up Mara’s homemade (and naughty) cupcakes, cookies, and multi-tiered delectables.

“I just hope it makes it home,” Tirado says, gesturing toward a sheet cake shaped like a male torso. “It’s just been so hot! I’ve been having problems with the – um, protrusions – melting.” The “protrusion” in question today is a three-inch-long chocolate phallus, complete with veins and white icing dripping down its side. “I went ahead and put some, uh, little guys around the outside so that you girls don’t have to fight over the big one.” Then she happily waves her hand over the tantalizing treat to point out four tiny, thoughtfully-placed, extra penises (penii?) – one in each corner.

So how did a nice mother of two like Tirado decide to make a living peddling penis pastries and giant-boob-shaped baked goods? “Well, I went to culinary school,” she explains. “I entered and won the baking contests and did that whole thing. But you know who I can’t stand? Brides.” After too many experiences accommodating the frantic frosting-changers, Tirado decided to focus on what she calls “the dirty little secret of all bakeries. ” “The people who buy my cakes now aren’t so picky,” she says, “and life is a lot more fun!” Check out her grand opening celebration all week! Call 305-866-2866, or visit www.risquebusinessbakeryandcafe.com.
Starts: Aug. 1. Daily, 2006

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Jamie Laughlin