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No, We're Not Cynical

Like moths to a flame or lemmings to a cliff, dutiful couples file into French restaurants, Hallmark shops, and florists each February 14. But admit it: the giving of cards, the lighting of candles, the mumbling of sweet nothings -- it's being done out of obligation, not impulse. This year, wouldn't it be more fun to humiliate your partner in public? Or to go to a wrestling match? Or to roller skate nude? Why, of course it would! For those about to get skate burn on your bum, we salute you.

If your love story is of the dark variety, or if make-up sex is just plain ol' better than regular sex, then you might want to step up to the microphone with your "tales of love and sex so disastrous they have to be read in public" during the annual Love Gone Bad reading at Borders Books and Music (2240 E. Sunrise Blvd., Fort Lauderdale) Saturday, February 12. The stories about bedroom blunders, ex-lovers turned stalkers, and dating Bitchzilla are "mostly fictional" -- or have been disguised as such to protect the tellers from slander lawsuits. If you want to read, sign up in advance by e-mailing [email protected]. The event is free and starts at 8 p.m. Call 954-566-6335.

Fighters as well as lovers are in luck, as Valentine's weekend is time for the Absolute Fighting Championships at the War Memorial Auditorium (800 NE Eighth St., Fort Lauderdale) Saturday at 7 p.m. No, couples can't compete! Tickets cost $15 to $35. Call 954-828-5380. Alternately, there's a Valentine's Violence wrestling match at Florida Atlantic University's Live Oak Pavilion (777 Glades Rd., Boca Raton), featuring Four Star Championship Wrestling stars like Tommy Vandal and "Ram Man" Jonny Evan. Tickets cost $6 to $12, and bell time is

8 p.m. Call 954-288-2098.

On Monday, the WildFyre Society, South Florida's 1200-member all-male nudist group, takes a break from nude shopping excursions, nude theater nights, and nude country line dancing in order to present the Hot Wheels XVIII "Get Your Heart On" Nude Valentine's Day Skating Party at Gold Coast Roller Rink (2604 S. Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale). No wallflowers -- nudity is mandatory at the event, which costs $10 and includes skates. The club's spokesman, Seth Paronick, says there won't be any races because "we don't allow horseplay," but limbo is on! For the Jockstrap After-Party at Jackhammer (1725 N. Andrews Sq., Fort Lauderdale), Paronick says, "Dress as minimally as the law will allow. Jockstraps are allowed." For details, visit

Or, you can get away from the whole V-day morass. Like, really far away from it -- in the middle of the Caribbean Sea. A seven-night "Caribbean Dream" singles cruise departs Saturday on Cunard's luxury ship, the Queen Mary II, and bounces between San Juan, St. Thomas, and St. Martin -- for a mere $1,394. Call 877-765-6874, or visit Travel Babe's seven-night "Singles Sports and Fun" cruise bails outta here on Sunday and hits Key West, Cozumel, and Grand Cayman. That one starts at $799. Call 1-800-369-2680, or visit

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Deirdra Funcheon

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