On Your Marks, Get Set, Grow (Your Whiskers)!

Dude. It’s time to face a sad truth: That mustache will never, ever, get you laid. You can accessories it with a Free Mustache Ride T-shirt, you can bead it like Bo Derek’s locks in 10, hell — you can even train it to stand upright and then stretch out, like an exaggerated “I dunno” shrug. But women will not be coaxed. See, the ladies like champions, winners, competitors — it’s Darwinian.

You can express your love of facial hair while proving your evolutionary prowess tonight from 7 to 9 at the first ever Mustachio Bashio. Prizes will be awarded for Most Creative Handlebars, Hairiest Horseshoe, and Longest Locks; if you think you’re overgrown enough to be a contender, join the razor-fearing masses tonight at the Downtowner’s Maxwell Room (10 S. New River Dr., Fort Lauderdale). If you’ve only got enough stubble to rub your girlfriend the wrong way, no worries. Audience participation (heavy drinking, followed by cheering/jeering) is nearly as important as the “competition” itself.

Guys, stop reading here if you don’t mind. I’d like to speak directly to your lady friends. (Are the y-chromosomes gone? Are we alone? Good.) Ladies: The prizes for this competition are men’s facial grooming products provided by GBS, everyone’s favorite beauty super store. So after your chap wins the gold, you can take him home and trim back that hideous face-mane, once and for all. Sign him up by calling 305-751-9641.
Fri., Nov. 7, 2008

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Jamie Laughlin