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Reindeer! Fuck Yeah!

American Dragon: Jake Long is a Disney cartoon about a 13-year-old who (along with friends Trixie and Spud) protects animals by using his skills in martial arts and skateboarding. Cuuuuute. It's so popular that it airs in more than 35 countries. Hmm... how would parents in, say, the United Arab Emirates react if they knew that the show's creator, Jeff Goode, also wrote Poona the Fuckdog and Other Plays for Children? Or that his most popular work for the stage centers on this burning question: Did Vixen (you know, the reindeer) really get raped by Santa, or is she a major "ho ho ho"?

Santa's Eight: Reindeer Monologues is blasphemous. Tasteless. Dirty. And funny. Watching it may remind you of the first time you met the curse-spewing third-graders on South Park. If you can get past the disturbing image of Santa unzipping his red velvet pants, then you are in for a delicious peek into what happens backstage at the North Pole. The bitchiness! The egos! The drugs! The orgies!

Here's the scenario: Vixen has accused Santa of rape, and there's been some whispering about what he might have done to Rudolph too. The reindeer have gone on strike, and WSOL-TV, in Fairbanks, Alaska, has scored a media coup and persuaded the eight to talk. You sit in as a member of the "studio audience."

One by one, the reindeer testify about their experiences with Santa. Dasher first — because he's always been the leader, except for that one goddamned "foggy Christmas Eve" that a certain "red-nosed reindeer" stole the spotlight. Cupid, "the first openly gay reindeer," talks about feeling "different." Prancer's done with his career as a deliveryman. He's changed his name to Hollywood and is working on an action film. He envisions Schwarzenegger as his co-star.

Donner's eyes mist over when he talks about his retarded son — Rudolph — and suspects that Santa abused him. Now that the fat guy's been put on front street, hard-core feminist Blitzen declares that "the sleigh ride is over!" Comet, however, defends the big man. After all, he was just a "troubled deer" who would snort coke and terrorize people by flying into their windshields until Santa "saved" him. The ditzy Dancer describes how Santa handled her contract negotiations... but the resolution comes only when Vixen takes the mic.

Only in America could Goode, with his wicked brain, rise from starving playwright to employed Disney minion — and power to him. But how cool would it be if he stopped doing kid stuff and fed the grownups some more? When Goode runs into those South Park creators — at the bank, when they're cashing their checks — Trey Parker and Matt Stone will probably give him a knowing smile and salute him with an "America! Fuck yeah!" Jeff Goode... Fuck yeah!

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Deirdra Funcheon

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