Ripped From the Headlines

“To say the phenomenon was ‘unexpected’ would be an understatement,” says Jared Monk, who works in the keyboard department at Guitar Center in Hallandale. “One minute I’m showing off the jazzadelic beats of a limited edition Fender Rhodes to some dad and his kids…” He drops his head in shame and continues, “Then, suddenly, it just happened.”

Few were spared the grizzly scene that followed.

Jared was not alone in his disruptive behavior, and that’s what has officials researching the now largest known case involving mass ejaculate, in hopes of discovering a way of preventing the incident from reoccurring. “Most of the folks we’ve interviewed have said roughly the same thing,” explains police officer Steve Shlockles. “There they were, minding their own business. Then they get word that their favorite studio rats, Steely Dan, are emerging and coming to Mizner Park, and they just, well. You know.” Despite what happened, Shlockles explains that tonight’s 8 p.m. concert will go on as originally scheduled, because “If that’s how Steely Dan’s fans act when they’re excited, we’d hate to see them angry.”

The Center for the Arts at Mizner Park Amphitheatre is located at 590 Plaza Real in Boca Raton. Tickets range from $41.50 to $111.50; get them by visiting, or calling 877-598-8698.
Sat., June 13, 8 p.m., 2009

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Jamie Laughlin