Satriani vs. Malmsteen: The Deathmatch | Night & Day | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

Satriani vs. Malmsteen: The Deathmatch

Good news, rock fans! This week, South Florida will be graced by the presence of not one, but two guitar gods: Mr. Joe "Satch" Satriani and Yngwie "Don't Call Me Yngwie" Malmsteen. Naturally, you're going to want to see both epic axe grinders as they speed across their fret boards faster than a college kid watching scrambled porn. But if you can’t swing both shows, use our handy guide to determine which ticket deserves your hard-earned cash. Award yourself 4 points for answer A, 1 point for B, and -2 points for C

1) The most critical component of hair metal is ... A: Wicked arpeggios, mastery of the whammy bar, sweet tapping. B: All that, plus actually having hair. C: One word: pyrotechnics.

2) The only brand of guitar I would dream of playing is ... A: Ibanez, the true metal choice. B: Fender; I'm a traditionalist. C: The one I attach to my Xbox 360.

3) If I could ride one fictional item it would be ... A: An inter-dimensional surfboard. B: A three-headed dragon. C: A girl who thinks I’m cool.

4) Other than guitar rock, my favorite type of music is ... A: Jazz-fusion, baby! B: Classical. Bach is so my homeboy. C: Anything I can get my swole on to.

You scored 10-16 points: You simply must check out Joe Satriani, playing tonight at 8 at the Fillmore Miami Beach (1700 Washington Ave.) and Saturday at 8 p.m. at the Kravis Center (701 Okeechobee Blvd., West Palm Beach). You scored 4-9 points: Catch Yngwie when he rocks the Culture Room, Friday at 8 p.m. (3045 N. Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale). Less than 3 points: Consider a new hobby. Tickets start at $25. Visit

Thu., Oct. 30, 2008

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John Linn