Lists

Ten People You See at Thanksgiving Dinner in South Florida

By now you and your family have probably made all your Thanksgiving Day preparations. The flights were booked long ago, the hotel rooms are reserved, the rides home from the airport have been planned, and the turkey is even in the freezer already. You're completely prepared to welcome both local and long-distance family into your home for the holiday.

Who are we kidding? You're not ready, and this is going to be bad. Why? Because you've met these people. Separately, they're fine, but putting them all together at the same dinner table brings out the crazy. Every family has an assortment of characters that gathers to demolish the turkey this time of year. Here are some of the ones you're most likely to encounter next week.

1. The Trump supporters

OK, let's just get this one out of the way. The Trump supporters in your family are coming in hot this Thanksgiving, and it's best if you just let them be. There is about a 0.000001 percent chance the President-Elect won't be mentioned at your dinner table, so you might as well deal with it. Whether you like it or not, some of your family members love Donald Trump, and they definitely are going to talk about it, especially once they get a few drinks in.
2. The stepfather who tries too hard


This guy might not even be your stepfather, but he's someone's stepfather, and he's trying way too hard to fit in. He's probably really nice, but he's making you uncomfortable with his bad jokes and Thanksgiving gifts. Bro, who gives gifts on Thanksgiving? I know "giving" is in the name of the holiday, but are you new here? In the end, we try to make this guy feel comfortable because he's trying so hard, and the trash that was married to your aunt before him sucked. At least this dude is nice.
3. The grandparents fawning over babies

Look, a baby! LOOK AT IT! It's a baby! Did you see this baby? Old people love babies, but if they're around a baby on a holiday where holding privileges are up for grabs? Forget it. It's an all-out smooch fest. Overly-fawning grandparents are also liable to take tons of pictures, so model for the camera or avoid it as you see fit.
4. The older, more responsible, family-man brother


Your older brother who lives in New York with his perfect wife and perfect kids is coming down to South Florida to ask you what you're doing with your life. Mom and Dad wish you were more like him, and they hold out hope that one day you will get married and give them some damn grandkids already. Older brother is so good at adulting it makes you sick, but you still love him — it's not his fault he's better than you.
5. The over-it college student

Every holiday event has one or two college kids there on a break from school. These kids are pretty much just trying to get through the family function without revealing any dark hidden secrets, like the tongue ring he just got, the fact that she's dating a 34-year-old, or the bomb that he failed Algebra — again. Honestly, this whole evening is standing between college kids and another night of underage drinking and pot smoking, so if you could wrap this thing up as fast as possible, that would be great.
KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi