Who are we kidding? You're not ready, and this is going to be bad. Why? Because you've met these people. Separately, they're fine, but putting them all together at the same dinner table brings out the crazy. Every family has an assortment of characters that gathers to demolish the turkey this time of year. Here are some of the ones you're most likely to encounter next week.
1. The Trump supporters
OK, let's just get this one out of the way. The Trump supporters in your family are coming in hot this Thanksgiving, and it's best if you just let them be. There is about a 0.000001 percent chance the President-Elect
2. The stepfather who tries too hard
This guy might not even be your stepfather, but he's
3. The grandparents fawning over babies
Look, a baby! LOOK AT IT! It's a baby! Did you see this baby? Old people love babies, but if they're around a baby on a holiday where holding privileges are up for grabs? Forget it. It's an all-out smooch fest. Overly-fawning grandparents are also liable to take tons of pictures, so model for the camera or avoid it as you see fit.
4. The older, more responsible, family-man brother
Your older brother who lives in New York with his perfect wife and perfect kids is coming down to South Florida to ask you what you're doing with your life. Mom and Dad wish you were more like him, and they hold out hope that one day you will get married and give them some damn grandkids already.
5. The over-it college student
Every holiday event has one or two college kids there on a break from school. These kids are pretty much just trying to get through the family function without revealing any dark hidden secrets, like the tongue ring he just got, the fact that she's dating a 34-year-old, or the bomb that he failed Algebra — again. Honestly, this whole evening is standing between college kids and another night of underage drinking and pot smoking, so if you could wrap this thing up as fast as possible, that would be great.
6. The casually racist grandfather
He's so inappropriate, but he can't help it! He grew up in a different time, so we all sort of just deal with him and hope the next thing that comes out of his mouth isn't around the wrong person. We tell him not to say those things, but he's almost 90, so what the hell does he care? When he's not making statements that embarrass us, he's a sweet teddy bear who doesn't have a mean bone in his body — other than the racist ones. Those aren't so sweet.
7. The drunk uncle
We all have that one uncle who has given up. He's lived his life, and whether you like it or not, he's crushing canned beers at every family function with abandon. It's hard to ignore his drunkenness during the holidays, so be wary. This Thanksgiving, drunk uncle is inevitably flaring up.
8. The little brother
Even if you don't have a little brother, your Thanksgiving has a little brother. Somehow, some way, this kid finds his way into your home and wants to play with all the things you'd rather no one touch. He's probably holding an iPad in one hand and a handful of mac-and-cheese in the other. By the time Thanksgiving is over, you're ready to pack his family's car for them and get them out the door.
9. The emotional mom
Emotional Mom always wants to go around the table and ask everyone what their favorite family memory is. She wants everyone to hold hands and pray. She wants to hold
10. The turkey-whisperer dad
Dad barely ever cooks all year, but when Thanksgiving comes around, you'd best get out of his way. For some reason, Thanksgiving brings out the caveman in dads. Maybe it has something to do with the size of the bird and the ritual, but men love to be the ones to make that perfect turkey. Whether he fries it up in the backyard or injects it with some sort of secret sauce, the turkey whisperer dad is a real
